A Conversation with HGTV
Posted by Anne
I was delighted to see Elizabeth’s post yesterday on home ownership. I, too, have been preoccupied of late with the whole issue of owning a 
home. As the change-phobe in this blogging duo, my preoccupation is this: I really really really want to own a home. You see, I’m a renter, and have lately been seduced by the shiny happy faces of home ownership seen on Home & Garden Television. Even worse, I believe I’ve developed an unhealthy relationship with those slick 30-minute vignettes of homebuying ecstasy. It’s time to take this up with the culprit…with HGTV.
Anne: “Hi there, HGTV. Did you notice I ignored you last night? I was so busy cleaning my rented duplex that I forgot to watch you. I think that’s progress.”
HGTV: “Oh, Anne. Don’t kid yourself. You missed me. We both know you would have preferred making a cup of tea and settling into the comfortable predictability of My First Place or Property Virgins.”
Anne: “You know, usually I’m not even paying that much attention to you. I fold my laundry during House Hunters all the time.”
HGTV: “You mean, that wasn’t you the other night yelling ‘CHOOSE HOUSE #3!!’?”
Anne: “Well, maybe. So sometimes I like those shows. But it’s only because I don’t have the energy in the evenings to start a movie. Besides, all those shows are soooooo unrealistic. I know it’s a much more involved process to buy a house than they make it seem. Mostly I just really like mocking the people on those shows. They have nothing to do with me.”
HGTV: “You do take an unnatural pleasure in occasionally mocking the home-buying priorities of our show participants. What up with that?”
Anne: “Sorry, HGTV. Sometimes it makes me feel better.”
HGTV: “Ah, now I see.”
Anne: “What do you see?? Don’t get all cocky and all-knowing with me, HGTV.”
HGTV: “Well, I know why you’re so obsessed with us. It’s because those folks on our shows (that you so enjoy mocking) are buying houses because they know where they’ll be in the next 5 years. Their lives are stable, and they’re settling down. They’re moving away from change, unlike you, who feels as though she’s constantly wading in a sea of uncertainty.”
Anne: “Wow HGTV, that was harsh. And a little dramatic.”
HGTV: “What can I say? I speak the truth. And you know my shows…I like the drama.”
Anne: “You know, speaking of drama, I don’t need you HGTV! I don’t need the drama of buying a home right now! I have a perfectly cozy and comfortable home that requires little maintenance and serves our purpose just fine. I don’t have to spend my weekends doing yardwork! I can go fishing!”
HGTV: “I’m sure that’s partially true. But why do you keep coming back to me? You know I just remind you of the thing you secretly want…a house.”
Anne: “ You’re wrong. The thing I want—not even secretly—is stability. The house is just a symbol of that.” 
HGTV: “Why on earth do you need a house to feel stable? Your life is pretty stable from where I stand.”
Anne: “Well, first of all, you don’t stand. You’re a television network, so let’s not get carried away. Second of all, you may have a point. But I can’t help it. I want to paint my walls! I want my dogs to roam free in my own backyard!”
HGTV: “Okay, now who’s being dramatic? The house will come in time, Anne. Keep watching me and pretend you’re learning all about the realities of real estate. But now and then, get out in the evenings. Go for a walk. Bask in the glory of what you have, and stop focusing on what you don’t. I’ll still be here.”
Note: Anne and HGTV resolved their differences and continued their relationship. But Anne has vowed that she must NOT watch so much of it that she begins feeling dissatisfied with her own wonderful life. It’s just a house, for crying out loud. And she welcomes your suggestions for curing her addiction.
HGTV made no vows or promises whatsoever. It’s stubborn like that.
July 8th, 2009 at 7:35 am
In the illustrious words of Larry the Cable Guy: “I don’t care who you are. That’s funny!”
I too was lured into the television black hole that is HGTV. For many nights after eight o’clock we stayed glued to the channel wondering the same things you did. Will they pick house number one or house number two? My wife was (and unfortunately still is) addicted to the staging shows that, I swear, all must come out of Vancouver. I watched the shows so I could laugh every time they said “aboooot”. We also watched the same house hunting shows that you speak of. When we were looking for new home we spent hours watch those shows. Thinking that we were attaining valuable information, we became HGTV zombies. We even watched the staging shows to try to sell our house faster. But I have to tell you. After we spent all of our energy watching that waist of a boob tube we learned a couple of things.
One- There is more useful information on the childrens television network Sprout than on any cable network out there.
Two- Staging is the dumbest and most pointless job I have ever seen. It’s for people who wanted to be interior designers but couldn’t hack it.
Three- From the words of a great real-estate agent I met. “There are only two reasons why a house does not sell. Either it’s priced too high or it’s Ugly.” (Ain’t that the truth.)
Four- Once you find a new home of your own and you are truly happy with it. Those other shows become really boring (but I still like making fun of those Canadians).
July 8th, 2009 at 7:57 am
Terrific post. I’d offer my advice, but you seem to have found the essence of your addiction. As for ways to part with HGTV, well, the new season of Project Runway starts next month!
July 8th, 2009 at 8:10 am
Seriously….why are all these shows Canadian??
July 8th, 2009 at 8:20 am
Ok so when we moved we were without cable for two weeks…..and when we finally got cable you can guess what I turned on…..my husband called it my porn. I love HGTV, but am trying to find a support group so that I can turn it off…any one know where I can find that?
July 8th, 2009 at 9:22 am
I’m sorry I started this addiction! Please forgive me! I had no idea it would be so detrimental. Do I need to reimburse you for the counseling fees? You could switch over to Discover channel like James does and get hooked on Deadliest Catch or Man vs. Wild. If anything can help you feel better about having a nice, warm place to live (whether rented or purchased), it would be those 2 shows. Love you! (Great post by the way–laughed out loud at my desk this morning)
July 8th, 2009 at 11:54 am
For the first time ever my husband and I have no TV. We can’t pat ourselves on the back, though, not with the copious amounts of time we spend online and watching instant movies and TV series via NetFlix. So much for good intentions.
July 10th, 2009 at 7:46 am
Annie, Mother was always going on real estate rides with your dad and sometimes with me. She was fanatical about looking at floor plans and dissecting them to see if theywere “functional”. Remember the 18″ door in the house in Bartlesville – she had that put in so the boys (or anyone else)wouldn’t have to go through the living room all the time. She also completely designed the addition to the house – the part back west from the utility room. Her main focus was storage – there was actually a drawer for empty plastic medicine bottles! In your search for future homes – storage is an important key. The other thing Mother always said was “don’t buy a house that sits below the level of the street”. I’ll add one more don’t buy a house on the downhill side of the cul-de-sac – I’ve planted the garden three times so far this year. Just thought I’d give you some things for the “things to look for in a house” list – if one already isn’t in progress, I have every confidence there will be one. As a matter of fact, that was one of my favorite pictures in the non-people portion of the wedding photographs was the picture of the list indicating that Greg needed to bring Ryan! Priceless!