Just Say “Yes”
Posted by Elizabeth
Last Saturday night, I baked a batch of fluffy buttermilk biscuits to take to a party, where we were celebrating the achievements of two lovely people who had just passed the New Mexico bar exam. The party was an interesting mix of folks from different walks of life. I talked writing with a high school literature teacher. I met a Cuban-American who told spellbinding stories about life under Castro, and passed along a hot tip on a new Cuban restaurant in town. I met a man who traveled the world as the official mechanic for the US Racing Team, and finished second in his age class in the La Luz Trail Run, completing the five-hour hike I wrote about on Tuesday in under an hour and a half. I listened thoughtfully as two people discussed foreign policy, and laughed myself silly when my friend, Jackie, relayed the hilarious experience of hitchhiking her way from England to Afghanistan as a college student (this is likely to be the first — and last — time you see “hilarious” and “Afghanistan” in the same sentence). My biscuits were perfect alongside finger-lickin’ barbecue, and at the end of the night I dug into large slabs of chocolate cake with “Congratulations” written in Latin (so lawyer-ly). It was, by all accounts, a successful evening. I had a wonderful time, which I couldn’t have predicted when I popped the biscuits in the oven hours earlier. Because I didn’t know the newly-minted lawyers. I didn’t even know any of the guests. The only person I knew was Jackie, who had invited me to the party just because. And I accepted the invitation for the same reason.
It wasn’t always so easy for me to say yes. Not so long ago, I could always think of a reason to say “no,” indulging the inevitable “what ifs” that accompany any step into uncharted territory. What if no one talks to me? What if I have nothing in common with anyone? What if I have a miserable time? In our results-driven world, I focused compulsively on outcomes. Why bother meeting new people that I’ll probably never see again? What a waste of my (precious) time. We are routinely taught the virtues of saying “no.” It’s these two little letters that protect us from over-committing in an age of creeping obligations, and learning to say “no” is a palpable goal in therapy. While “no” certainly has its place in maintaining our lives, what else are we are shutting out by uttering this simple word?
What I realized at some point is that, while I had trained myself well in the art of saying “no,” which served to keep my calendar free and clear, I was missing out on a great deal of living. By avoiding uncomfortable situations and steering clear of being vulnerable, I was keeping the world at a safe distance. But I got tired of feeling scared all the time, and unless I could think of a good reason to say “no,” I pushed myself to say “yes” to new experiences. I stopped thinking about my interactions as long-term benefits and focused on being present and simply getting to know someone interesting – if only for an evening. Isn’t that reason enough to say “yes?” And while trying new things is still nerve-wracking – it always is, to some degree – I don’t let it stop me from saying “yes.” Because for me, a big part of learning to live my life in pencil is saying “yes” more often. Sure, sometimes I say “yes” too readily, which has lead to some dubious situations. But more times than not, when I say “yes,” amazing things happen.
How often do you say “yes” in your life? Is it easy? Hard? What sorts of things do you wish you could say “yes” to more often?
October 1st, 2009 at 5:42 am
Sounds like a great party!! What I’m wondering about is if you will say “yes” to sharing the biscuit recipe…
October 1st, 2009 at 6:44 am
You’re right. It can be scary. And making enjoyable conversation with people you don’t know can be really intimidating. My last job required lots of international travel and it forced me to do a lot of what you described in this post. Eventually, like you, I learned to embrace and enjoy it. But it’s not easy starting out.
October 1st, 2009 at 6:59 am
I have an issue with saying yes in potentially uncomfortable situations. I find myself saying no way to much, and like you probably missing out on new things in life. There have been occasions that my husband has made me say yes, and we have actually made some really good friends that way. Like the time he invited this couple who had just finished traveling around the world to dinner………:) Saying yes can be very satisfying if we learn to take “no” out of our vocabulary.
My 2 year old has that word down, everything is no, so at the advise of my daycare provider, I am going to try harder to take that word out of my vocabulary and learn to say yes a little more often.
October 1st, 2009 at 7:19 am
I had to learn to say “no” more often, to the endless requests to help with activities and events when the boys were little. I was completely overwhelmed and sleep-deprived, and nothing felt under control. It was incredibly liberating when I learned to Just Say No.
October 1st, 2009 at 10:20 am
I love the spirit of this post. This summer I said “yes” to things that I would normally say no to. Triathlon training was one of them and it really changed my life. I also have said yes to more things at my synagogue and that too has been transforming in a really positive way. I have come away from all of these things thinking, “Gosh, Im really glad I did that!” I would like to say “yes” more to my boys. It bothers me that I am cosntantly the bearer of “no”. So I am now newly inpsired!
October 1st, 2009 at 10:42 am
This is a great post! I can completely relate. I what if myself to death on a regular basis and as a result end is spending a lot of time with my cat at home. A couple years ago I was invited to a wedding in Ireland. I hadn’t met the Irish bride or the British groom, but thought that the worse that could happen is a trip to Ireland. (Doesn’t take much to convince me to convince me to do that.) I was embraced like a member of both families. It was the most fun I had had in a long time!
October 1st, 2009 at 11:52 am
By request:
Buttermilk Biscuits – from Baking Illustrated, the best baking cookbook EVER
Yields 12
1 cup (5 oz.) all-purpose flour
1 cup (4 oz.) cake flour
2 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. sugar
1/2 tsp. salt
8 Tbsp. cold unsalted butter, cut into 1/4-inch cubes
3/4 cup cold buttermilk
Adjust oven rack to the middle position and heat to 450 degrees. Place the dry ingredients into a food processor and process with six 1-second pulses. Remove cover and distribute the butter evenly over the dry ingredients. Cover and process with twelve 1-second pulses. Remove the cover and pour the buttermilk evenly over the dough. Process until the dough gathers into moist clumps, about eight 1-second pulses. Transfer the dough to a lightly floured surface and quickly form into a rough ball. Be careful not to overmix, or the dough will be tough. Divide the dough into quarters, and then cut each quarter into thirds. Quickly and gently shape each piece into a rough ball, and place on ungreased baking sheet lined with parchment paper. Bake until the biscuit tops are light brown, 10-12 minutes. Serve at once.
October 1st, 2009 at 1:17 pm
XOXO Thanks
October 3rd, 2009 at 11:44 am
Ooh, I want to know about that Cuban restaurant. I am a foodie and it takes a lot for me to say no to trying different cuisines (I recall eating a deep-fried fish head at a sushi restaurant). But it takes just as much for me to say yes to engaging my self in other activities, like charity. I have always wanted to help out a charity but I always have “what ifs”. My biggest being “What if I don’t have enough time to devote to it”. I always seem to not follow through with things I’ve started and am afraid to let anyone down.
Maybe if I got a new mantra I would be motivated to say yes more.
“The world is my Fish Head. So try everything at least once.” I’ll print the T-shirts next week! Who wants one?