This Emotional Life
Posted by Elizabeth
All of us, more than anything, want to be happy. When I worked as a career counselor, my first session with a client typically revolved around getting to know a little about the nature of their problems and setting some initial goals. Usually at some point during the session, the client would sharply sigh, clearly frustrated, and say, “I just want to be happy.” When pushed to elaborate – what does happiness look like for you? – most clients were vague at best. The truth of the matter is, most of us want to be happy; we just don’t know exactly what will make us happy. Even science has confirmed this fact, with study after study confirming that most of us do a terrible job of predicting our own happiness (Stumbling on Happiness by Harvard social psychologist and happiness researcher Daniel Gilbert provides an excellent elaboration on this topic). In other words, the things we think will make us happy don’t…and vice versa. So what are we to do? How are we to move forward on this path towards finding greater happiness in our lives?
Over the past three evenings, I’ve invested six hours of my life trying to move a little closer to the answers. PBS aired This Emotional Life (hosted, incidentally, by the same Daniel Gilbert who wrote Stumbling on Happiness), providing a fascinating and multifaceted look into the age-old question, “What makes me happy?” The results, as it turns out, are sometimes unexpected. Here are the top ten things I learned about happiness:
- Social connections are a key to happiness.
- We can change our feelings by changing our thoughts. According to science, we can think our way to happiness in specific ways.
- While most of us would love to eliminate the negative emotions that stand in the way of our happiness, it’s important to accept the whole range of our emotional experience. (Those negative emotions, it turns out, evolved as part of our survival mechanism.)
- Our future thoughts are shaped by our present thoughts. Part of why we’re terrible at predicting what will make us happy in the future is because we’re influenced by what we think will make us happy today, leaving no room for the inevitability of change in the equation.
- We tend to believe that changing our situation will change our level of happiness. While this is true, it’s not to the extent we’d like to believe. (A little thing called “hedonic adaption” leads us to believe that what makes us happy for a day will make us happy for a lifetime, which is not typically the case.)
- Amongst our greatest attributes, we humans find ways to like and be happy with the things in life we’re stuck with. In other words, a debilitating injury doesn’t usually spell long-term unhappiness.
- Spending money on having shared experiences with the people you love is typically a good use of your hard-earned dollars.
- Even though anger may be justified, it doesn’t typically help you feel better, more happy, or extricate you from the situation.
- Righteousness is a replacement for happiness. In other words, you can choose to be right or you can choose to be happy.
- Eliminating the burden of the future helps us to be happier. When we know our time is limited, we are more likely to slow down and savor our present circumstances.
What strikes me about this list is the sheer volume and variety of things that make us happy: there is no silver bullet, but a complex constellation of factors that can add to – or detract from – our happiness. Whether we’d care to admit it or not, I think most of us are searching desperately for that silver bullet, even when we know it doesn’t exist. And so happiness remains elusive.
I am also struck by the number of paradoxes on this list: changing your thoughts helps, but changing your circumstances? Not so much. In this complicated equation, Change is not always equal. This is an important distinction for a change-a-holic like me, who often (wrongly) assumes that all change is good, guaranteed to lead to greater happiness. I’d probably be better off by focusing on making the changes that are proven to bring about happiness. But if I’m anything like the scientists tell me I am, I will likely ignore their advice and keep making the sweeping changes that I assume will make me happy.
One last paradox: I noticed a curious thing while watching this program. In a number of instances, when people were mired in the depths of despair, their turning point towards leading a happier life came when they posed one simple question to themselves and didn’t have the answer: “Now what?” Most of us believe that happiness comes knocking at our door when we begin to have the answers, but this beautifully illustrates that perhaps happiness comes when we embrace the full weight and uncertainty of life. Only then do doors to possibilities begin flying open for us.
What makes you happy? Do you agree or disagree with the items on the list? Is happiness something we can quantify through science, or is it all a bunch of bullroar?
January 8th, 2010 at 7:36 am
Coincidentally, I have been pondering happiness a good bit lately. I’m (finall) reading Simple Abundance and the reflections in there over the past few days have been about happiness, with the overarching view that we already have everything we need to be happy. That happiness comes from within and can be learned. That it is about choosing our thoughts, recognizing how much we have in our lives already, focusing on the small aspects of our daily lives that bring a smile to our faces. It reminds us that genuine happiness is not “out there” and will not come to us through external events or external things. The messages in this book seem to echo some of what you listed here from the PBS program. I’m working on a positive perspective and have felt more upbeat since 1/1/10 and starting my Simple Abundance journey. So…maybe there is something to it.
BTW, I was going to watch that series, but thought maybe it was too long. If it comes out on DVD, would you recommend it?
January 8th, 2010 at 8:04 am
Meghan, I, too, believe in the credo that happiness isn’t “out there.” But why is it so hard to live? Perhaps because our cognitive selves tell us so strongly that it’s “out there.” I definitely recommend the series. You’d probably find Part 2 a little boring, with your counseling psych background, but the rest is excellent. I posted a link above to the PBS website: looks like you can watch it online now, if you don’t want to invest in the DVD. PS: I read Simple Abundance one year, and still dip into it from time to time. It’s a keeper!
January 8th, 2010 at 8:24 am
Another paradox, perhaps, is that something that we think should be so simple, is actually quite murky. Perhaps strangely, I don’t spend a lot of time pondering my own level of happiness. I wonder what I would find if I did. I can’t help but believe it would be worth my while to explore this a bit. Thanks for the book and series recommendations. I will check them out.
January 8th, 2010 at 8:31 am
You are right, Gale: it’s amazing how something so simple can be so complicated. I envy you for not spending a great deal of time dwelling on your own happiness; I wish I could do the same!
January 8th, 2010 at 9:00 am
Do you read Penelope Trunk’s blog? She is a bit obsessed with happiness and happiness research. I can identify with a lot of this. My social connections are definitely the lifeblood of my happiness, and where I put most of my effort in life.
I also tend to look for the quick fix of changing my circumstances (new job, new town, new man) rather than digging in to find happiness where I’m at. I’m improving in that area though as I get older and realize that the same problems follow me to new environment.
January 8th, 2010 at 9:09 am
Hi, Anne! I don’t know the blog, but I’ll check it out. I feel the same you do: as I get older, I try a little harder to make the most of my circumstance. I think it goes back to what Gilbert says, that we make the most of circumstances which we can’t change. When we’re younger everything feels as if it can be rewritten, but as our life gains more permanency and attachments we work a little harder to make the most of things. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that! I, too, can relate to that issue of the same problems following me wherever I go…
January 8th, 2010 at 9:45 am
Right now, I know an elder person who chooses righteousness over happiness, but who knows? Maybe being righteous makes her happy? (poor soul) I also love Point #2, as expressed (I’ve heard) by Abraham Lincoln: Everyone is about as happy as they want to be. But let me ask you this, Elizabeth: why are we so obsessed with whether or not we’re ‘happy’? I heard a sermon once in which the guy said ‘happy’ is derived from ‘happenstance’, and thus isn’t really within our power. I like the word ‘contentment’ better, anyway. More peaceful.
January 8th, 2010 at 10:01 am
I don’t know, Jan. I think that’s the perennial question. Happiness is that elusive “something.” A topic of a whole other blog post altogether, why we’re so obsessed with this question of happiness.
January 8th, 2010 at 10:37 am
I so enjoy reading your posts every morning (special thanks to Meghan who introduced me!).
I absolutely agree that social connections cultivate happiness, IF those social connections are positive ones. I also believe that appreciating the little things about a day, or a person, can contribute greatly to happiness.
January 8th, 2010 at 10:48 am
Thanks, Katie! The show talked a great deal about social connections. Namely, that happiness begets happiness. So if we surround ourselves with happy people, we tend to be happier ourselves…and vice versa. There is some incredible research that illustrates that the happiness of our friends’ friends’ friends — three degrees removed! — even has an impact on our happiness.
January 8th, 2010 at 11:24 am
I have been thinking a lot about happiness this week, especially with the flurry of New Year’s resolutions I’ve been reading and the publication of Gretchen Rubin’s new book. Like you, perhaps, I am a change-a-holic, always looking for the next good thing that must be waiting down the road. And that’s why I really like the idea of suggestion #10: “eliminating the burden of the future.” I’m not sure how good I’ll be at living more in the now, but facing each moment without looking ahead might make me less anxious and, perhaps, happier.
January 8th, 2010 at 11:31 am
I think living in the now is the best — and most difficult — one of them all. How are you enjoying “The Happiness Project?”
January 11th, 2010 at 3:38 am
Does one, “Think their way into a new way of living” or does one, “Live their way into a new way of thinking?” (I suppose only one answer can be correct).
What is it about a “really good joke” that makes one feel happy (at least for the moment)? Few things make me happier than when I can pull off a “really good joke” on my brother! Some “good ones” I’ve pulled on him have made me smile for days, others have made me smile for years. What’s behind this, anyway?
What makes a 100 year old person happy? In the course of their lifetime they have lost parents and grandparents, likely their own children, and most often they have outlived all of their lifelong friends. Their “social connections” have been severely depeleted yet many centarians are very happy. Is it because they have “new” social connections that have replaced the old social connections? Are “unhappy” centarians those who have failed to make new connections? If so, is happiness, in part, the bi-product of having “something” new in one’s life – whether it is a “new” social connection or just anything new?
“Life in Pencil” has a great deal of focus on “change” and “change” most often means to me the addition of something “new” into one’s circumstances. Therefore, is something “new” at least one aspect of happiness?
Achievements can make me happy. When I was in school, an A+ on one of my papers would REALLY make me happy. Another aspect of achievement is helping somebody else to score an A+ on their paper but which form of achievement produces the better level of satisfaction. I don’t know. I guess it’s different for different people.
Did your experience of being a “Big Sister” make you happy? If yes, was it the “things” you received from the relationship that made you the happiest or the “things” that you contributed? More than likely it was a little bit of each but did one overshadow the other even slightly? Nobody loves to be on the receiving end of a kindness more than me but it always seems to be more true that I’m happiest when I’ve done the giving rather than the receiving. Why is that?
It seems that “happiness” is truly an individual thing. It’s different for old and young, rich and poor, healthy or infirmed, etc., etc., and soforth. Thus far in my investigation of this, for over 60 years, is that only “The Coasters” have the one “universal” answer for lifelong happiness:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y1ZJiBHh-Yw
As for me, I can hardly wait until April 1st and “another chance” that my brother will once again make me happy for yet one more year!
Lots of Love,
Daddo
January 11th, 2010 at 7:27 am
These are all excellent questions to ponder. The program talked a bit about centenarians, and why, in general, people become happier as they grow older. It is curious, given the reasons you — and the program — cited, isn’t it? They said it’s because, while we have fewer connections, we value the ones we have even more. And because there is less of a focus on the future, people focus more intently on living the best life they have TODAY. (Of course, things like disease, injury, or illness can make that difficult to do.) I also like your thought that we sometimes believe “change” is synonymous with “new.” Sometimes it is…but sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes change means simplifying, getting rid off, not adding.
January 11th, 2010 at 2:12 pm
I believe you touched on a “key” point when you mention the importance of “today”. Many 12-step recovery programs drill the importance of this into those who are in the recovery process. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come so “today” is truly the only thing we have going for us.
When one sees a bumper sticker on the back of a car that reads, “One Day at a Time” you’re more than likely to be following someone who is in a recovery program of some sort. Perhaps we too can learn something for ourselves from this kind of an approach to life.