That’s a First
Posted by Anne
Your first love--a pivotal marker, whether you like it or not:)
Your life is a story. So says the latest issue of my pop-psychology guilty pleasure, Psychology Today. It’s difficult for me to perceive my life as such—stories are supposed to have neat timelines, climactic events, and resolution. But it’s true. Though messier than your typical novel, our lives are stories, with multiple inciting events, and countless examples of conflict, building action, and denouement. And according to this article, we track our life stories by one important mechanism—the “firsts”. The first love. The first heartbreak. The first victory. These first-time experiences are life-markers—etched in our consciousness forever. They serve as a reference point for our later endeavors, and affect our confidence and expectations.
As someone who struggles with focusing (way too intensely) on the future, I don’t often reflect on these “firsts”—these pivotal memories that form the backbone of my life’s narrative. But they’re always there, appearing at the most unlikely of moments. The memories startle me into reflection, and cause me to take a step backward in time. Because no matter how many people I love, there will always be the first love. No matter how many fish I catch, there will always be that first trout in the Rocky Mountains. And no matter how many friends I make, there will always be that first “best friend” who made me giggle, and traded backpacks with me.
Despite my obsession preoccupation with the future, I think it’s important to note the firsts. For what they teach us, and how they shape us. Though they’re difficult to conjure on cue, these are a few that spring to mind…
My first straight-A report card. My 3rd-grade teacher pulled me aside in our hallway, praising my achievement. Amazing how that first piece of paper—to me a symbol of perfection—became a source of identity and paved the way for countless more A’s, crippling stress, and my greatest source of confidence–school.
The first time I felt self-conscious about my body. I was sitting on the bench, near the 4th-grade section of the playground, and a boy told me my legs were big. Only recently have I begun to love my legs for their strength and endurance.
The first time I had to break someone’s heart. The perpetual “nice girl”, I remember feeling genuine pain (and major indigestion) when I had to hurt someone I cared about.
My first real date. Homecoming Dance, 1994, with one of my best friends. I felt pretty, cared for, fun, and safe. It set the bar for dates to come.
The first time I drove a car by myself. It was a freedom I savored—to this day, I find freedom on an empty highway.
The first time I saw my husband cry. We’d had our first argument, I began to cry, and he saw that he’d caused me pain.
The first time I realized I wanted to be a mother someday. I sat in a movie theater by myself, and watched a bouncy, precious little girl meander through the aisles before the film began. I began to cry.
Life is a collection of firsts. Some painful. Some magical. I’m grateful for them all, and for the story they’ve crafted.
What’s one of your “firsts”? The moments that you can still visualize, that helped form the narrative of your life?
January 20th, 2010 at 7:06 am
These lists of firsts are so rich with potential – first kiss, first loved one lost, first becoming a parent, first homesickness, etc. But as I sit here typing this comment I’m watching my 1-year-old son wander in and out of the room dragging one of my knee-high boots behind him and (in line with your preoccupation with the future) I wonder what his firsts will be. Mine are well known to me. But his life is a blank slate. I love the story of my life so far. But I am excited for the story that is yet to be written.
January 20th, 2010 at 7:45 am
First kiss. I got to be alone with my crush in a station wagon after a cast party. He was the leading man, I was the piano accompanist in the orchestra pit. I was 17, a senior, and mortified every time I heard the expression “Sweet 16 and never been kissed.” Those post-midnight hours alone in a car with this gorgeous, brilliant, hilariously funny guy still rank high in my panthoen on firsts. I knew I wanted my first kiss to be special, and I got what I wanted.
January 20th, 2010 at 7:58 am
Jennifer–that might be the cuteset thing I’ve heard in days.
Gale–isn’t it crazy how your focus shifts to your boy’s “firsts”. He won’t remember so many of his firsts (steps, words), but someday he will. I can’t wait to see too!
January 20th, 2010 at 8:13 am
I remember my first “real” business meeting. I landed an internship at CoreStates bank the summer of my junior year in college. I was invited to sit in on the Monday morning staff meeting in the Financial Institutions Division. I remember the HUGE mahagony table and being introduced. I felt so grown up and important. I think I got so excited that I made myself ill — came down with a fever and missed the rest of the week. But that was some table.
January 20th, 2010 at 8:16 am
There are so many firsts in life, but one I will always remember is seeing my husband hold our daughter for the first time and the smile on his face. I think in that moment I realized that any fear I had about being a mom wasn’t improtant because I had this great man by my side. I get to do it all again soon, and any fear I have of bringing another little person into our family washes away when I think of that moment.
January 20th, 2010 at 11:22 am
Even though I am very happily married to another man, I think often of my first love. I think about how lucky I was to have a gentle and caring boy with whom to try on those trappings of romance. He is now a successful journalist and I stumble on his byline now and then. Each time I do I feel a little flutter – not really for him, but for the simple, carefree love we shared many years ago.