Getting Involved
Posted by Anne
How long before my community becomes a part of me?
Remember what they told you back in college? During orientation? If your experience was anything like mine, there was a constant refrain. If you want to connect with your new school and be a successful little coed, you should get involved. And if you decided to follow that advice, there were countless systems in place for just that mission—the Fall Involvement Fair. Sorority Recruitment (or “Rush”, as it was called back then). At my college, they offered “Freshman Interest Groups”, affectionately called “FIGS”. And I joined them all. I joined a FIG. I joined a sorority. I joined clubs. I did NOT want to feel alone.
Oh, if it were still that easy. Finding your community at a university (even a large one) is one thing. Finding your community within a city—and as an adult—is a different story. If I’m being honest, my current town isn’t even that big. Mid-sized, I’d call it…some would even call it small. I moved here with my husband about a year and a half ago, and still find myself wishing it felt more like “my community”. And while it certainly feels more like home than it did a year ago, I still find myself wanting.
As an adult, finding your place within a brand-new community is overwhelming at best. The challenge feels compounded for me, since I work in another town—an hour away. Without the crutch of “work friends” or “school friends” (as I leaned on for so long), I seem to wade aimlessly through town, looking for kindred souls and the adult version of an “involvement fair”. My sister calls it “dating for friends.” She couldn’t be more right. Perhaps this is why I found myself at an informational meeting last night for my local chapter of the Junior League. (Fear not, if you’ve read The Help. Times have changed, I assure you.) And lo and behold, the highly welcoming and organized membership chairs each shared their own story of joining the Jr League…most of which began with, “I wanted to get involved.” Nothing like a highly organized group of nice women, community service, and yummy cupcakes. I was sold.
And even before my entrée into the Jr League, I did make some progress. Through our Church here (a challenge in its own right when you live in the Northwest), my husband and I have made some amazingly kind friends. They are friends we can count on for a supportive conversation, and a cold microbrew. They are wonderful, quirky, and make all the difference in my ability to feel some semblance of “home” in this region of the country that still feels new—and even a little foreign sometimes.
But amidst all these adult-involvement efforts, I sometimes wonder why I’m so preoccupied with this need to feel (as Elizabeth captured awhile back) “amongst my people”. Why does it matter so much? It matters because people (along with a certain cultural vibe) are the backbone of the community I’m seeking. While I believe in being challenged, I also believe we all need to see our values and beliefs reflected in the eyes of like-minded souls. And if those people are the ones that live in our community and join us for dinner on Saturday nights? All the sweeter.
Is it just me, or was it easier to make friends when we were kids?
And this need for community matters for yet another (perhaps even more profound) reason. In my psyche, community = stability. At some point, I must have decided that stability means I no longer have to change. I no longer have to move. I no longer have to start over. I’d like to believe this, and at the same time, I know it’s a false hope. Deep down, I know that even if you live in the same city that raised you, your experience of that place is constantly changing. Your social circle morphs, and your sense of community morphs along with adult goals, changing interests, and perhaps even changing ideologies. And so perhaps the better question is: How do you find and capture a community that changes right along with you? I’m still learning. And until I find it, I’ll continue to soldier on, and get involved.
How long do you think it takes to feel “at home” somewhere? To find a kindred community? Anyone found an adult “involvement fair”?
January 26th, 2010 at 7:32 am
Kids and sports! I have worked from home since my husband and I moved from metro NY to the Boston suburbs in 2001. Meeting people was a challenge until I became pregnant, after which I met some amazing women in prenatal exercise, breastfeeding and baby yoga classes. We formed a playgroup and have remained tight-knit as our families have grown over the past seven years. We began training for triathlons together a couple of years ago, broadening our small group and deepening our friendships beyond the common tie of motherhood.
BTW, I found your blog via Mothers of Brothers and have enjoyed reading over the past few weeks.
January 26th, 2010 at 7:45 am
Welcome to Life in Pencil, Melanie! I love the idea of “training” with other women. I’ve always thought sports were more fun with other women along:) And yes, I hear that your social circle expands a ton when you have kids.
January 26th, 2010 at 8:06 am
I’ve sung this song before, but here we go again. I detect some guilt, do I, over the need to get involved with a group of people who are “like” you? Why feel that way? Granted, the Junior League has a past image that doesn’t “play” quite so well in a politically correct culture, but it has changed. Glad you enjoyed the group. And, to me, your post today is very thought-provoking.
January 26th, 2010 at 8:22 am
I’ve been in these shoes before. It took me several years to really feel at home in my current city. And the thing that helped me turn a corner? School. When my husband started graduate school it helped link us into a really great group of friends.
So I think your Junior League plans are right on track. It’s hard to find existing groups of people eager for newcomers. But I suspect you may have found one. Keep us posted!
January 26th, 2010 at 8:48 am
Anne, this is a sophisticated post that begs difficult questions. As I think back to my own college experience, I remember, despite all the organizations, having a difficult time connecting at first. I remember one particularly lonely weekend, where my mom suggested I come home for a few days to visit. “No, Mom,” I said. “If I’m ever going to find friends, I need to stay here and stick out this uncomfortable period.” And that very night, I met the girl who was to become my roommate and the link to a huge social circle. So, there is a certain amount of “sticking it out” involved, I think. And I had to laugh when I read the Junior League because I JUST finished “The Help.” Glad to know times have changed!
January 26th, 2010 at 11:56 am
Such ripe questions, Anne. I wrote on the question of home in November and I agree with you: more than a location, home is about the people we surround ourselves with. (Maybe that’s the genesis of the term “homeboy”?…) I still haven’t found that community of people in the town that I moved to almost three years ago. What’s interesting, though, is how “at home” I feel in this online blogging community that I joined only about three months ago. I think we are all looking for people who see us, who “get” us; right now, for me, more of those people seem to be through the wires of the Internet than next to me in line at Kroger.
January 26th, 2010 at 12:56 pm
I just finished posting a piece dedicated to my 16-year-old finding his place as he begins the college process.
Like you I joined a sorority at UCLA. It seemed to make a huge campus smaller. BUT, I am not sure I met my community at my sorority. What I mean is that for me, finding community is about forming friendships or relationships with people you enjoy. Sometimes I feel like the odd duck in a pond of swans. I like that about myself and about my friends. I find it interesting. I don’t necessarily want a community of people just like me. I have moved from coast to coast and back to yet another coast. My community still consists of the people I left behind. And then there are the new ones that surprise you along the way. I think it is great for you to join the junior league (even if I have read HELP). You must put yourself out there and then you never know!
January 26th, 2010 at 1:02 pm
Terry–I love the idea of being “surprised” by friendships. I will continue to keep looking, but I also appreciate the idea of being open to different friendships that may or may not be the ones you are seeking on purpose.
January 26th, 2010 at 2:10 pm
Terry, I really resonate with your idea of your community being those you left behind, having made many cross-country moves myself. Some of the people I click with most are very unlikely matches for me….which is what makes it all the harder to try to predict or pinpoint a community. You often find the best friends in the most unexpected of places.
January 26th, 2010 at 7:20 pm
It is so hard to find a niche in a new place. I have been in my “new” home for four years and have yet to find friendships like I had in high school and college. Love the post, Anne.
January 26th, 2010 at 7:24 pm
Thanks for your comment, Sarah! Wow…it’s been a long time. And yes, I still hold onto those high school and college friendships. Good to hear from you, and know that I’m not alone in this challenge!
January 27th, 2010 at 4:54 am
When I read this yesterday, I couldn’t put words to the comment area. I was lost but then I got to thinking. I have met a wonderful group of women through a local moms’ website. We get together once a week in “real life.” I have met people through my children’s sports and other activities. These people don’t tend to be as much in my life during the non-activity time.
Last summer was my 30th high school reunion. I found that some of my dear friends from high school live right near me and now we get together all the time.
I do not know about moving out of this area but I would suspect I would find people – possibly first online and then meeting later.