The Women I’ve Been
Posted by Anne
There are people who detest Valentine’s Day—who proclaim the pointlessness of the annual “day of love”, and who boycott the Hallmark festivities. I’m not one of those people. There are people who adore Valentine’s Day—who devise cutesy gifts and clever outings for their loved ones. I’m not one of those people either. No, I’m more Valentine’s-neutral—glad it’s not a source of sadness or loneliness for me, but not eager to jump into all the February hoopla. But no matter how you feel about it, it’s hard not to think about the L-word at least a little bit each February 14th.
Love. Sometimes I wonder how many times I’ve truly been in love. I think it’s safe to say I’m ridiculously in love with my husband, but yesterday—as I dove into the ubiquitous, cellophane-wrapped box of Russell Stovers chocolates—I thought about the other loves. The past loves. The crushes. And I thought about change.
You see, back when I was single, I wasn’t such a change-phobe. Desperate (yes, desperate) to find a love of my own, I must have viewed change as a necessary cost of finding that love. How else can I explain the multiple girlfriend identities I tried on from age 22 to age 26? I once read a comic little book called The 10 Women You’ll Be Before You’re 35. In it, the author reflects upon the chameleon-like quality of women as they search for love, stability, and identity in their 20’s and early 30’s. I was no exception. There was…
Intense-Runner-Girl
I’ll never forget the day I ran 8 miles for the first time. Sure, I already ran pretty regularly, but only sensible distances—4 miles tops. When my friends asked why on earth I ran 8 miles and acquired some brutal blisters, I was honest. “A guy,” I said. Over the next few months, I was introduced to lycra, ran a half-marathon, lost 8 pounds, and had my heart broken. I still run. Just not quite that much. Some of those pounds found me again—along with my sense of self.
Indie-Rock Girl
The ability to name-drop bands you’ve seen live. The ability to pull off hipster clothes from Urban Outfitters. I tried both (with only marginal success on the hipster-clothing part), all for the sake a few dudes who caught my eye and strummed me some tunes on their acoustic guitars. Man, it was cliché. But man, I was a sucker for the dude with the guitar. I developed quite the collection of burned cd’s from these guys—just couldn’t manage to collect a relationship.
Granola Girl
Yeah, I pretty much tried on this phase whenever introduced to a messy-looking cutie wearing a fleece and khakis of questionable cleanliness. Meet a guy who camps regularly and loves his trees? Find an environment science major? Enter “granola Anne”—sort of an oxy-moron really. Sure, I’m on the earthy side, but hippie I’m not. Fortunately, this phase was useful in preparing me for a future life in the Northwest. Bonus!
Okay, so I exaggerate a little. In actuality, I’ve always been someone to maintain a pretty solid sense of self. And when I think about it, those three personas weren’t all that far out in left field. I do love music. But I liked many kinds of music—not just indie rock. And I do like being active. But I love many forms of activity—not just running my guts out. And I do love trees and fleece—but I love silk and pearls as well. In short, I’m like any woman—multidimensional. So maybe…I wasn’t changing myself for each prospective suitor. No, I was just limiting myself. Making myself one-dimensional, when all I needed was someone to appreciate my natural complexity.
I believe that one reason my current relationship works is because it allows my dimensions. It allows me to move from hiking boots to sundresses, from hip bands to not-so-hip opera. It allows the healthy kind of change. The kind of change I like. The kind that doesn’t box me in to one hobby or one wardrobe. It allows me just to be.
I hope you had a great weekend, whether you celebrated Valentine’s or not…and that you spent it with people who let you change—or who let you stay the same—who let you just be.
Did you ever adopt a phase or identity for the sake of potential love? Anyone do anything fun for Valentine’s? Or do you sorta ignore the holiday?
February 15th, 2010 at 6:54 am
Hoo-Boy, could I ever identify with this post. I’ve been Heavy Metal Rocker Girl, Coffeehouse Poet Girl, Serious Career Girl…
And now you’ve gotten me thinking. What would be the soundtrack to all those girls I’ve been?
February 15th, 2010 at 7:41 am
I love this post, Anne–such a good way to frame the ways I think many of us have embraced only one piece of ourselves to fit for someone (a potential love, a friendship group, etc.). I’d never thought of it this way before.
As for V-Day, I’m not a big celebrator. I’m a bigger fan of a card, or candy, or flowers on some random day rather than on Feb 14th. But I did get to just “be” and was me the whole day with the one I love the best. xo
February 15th, 2010 at 9:08 am
Great post. I love the way you’ve articulated the evolution so many of us experience as we’re trying to define ourselves both within and beyond the context of others.
I laughed when I saw your description of yourself as “Intense-Runner-Girl.” I tried on that persona as well. I was very smitten with a runner in my early 20s and became a (temporarily) serious runner in order to try and catch him. (Pun intended.) I knew the jig was up, though, when he suggested that we help shepherd blind runners through the Boston Marathon. I loved the sentiment, but these feet had trouble running more than a 5K. I wonder if I still would have wised up if he’d suggested a shorter distance…
February 15th, 2010 at 10:31 am
I’ve been a few different versions of myself as well. It’s so difficult at that age, knowing that what we ultimately want is a like-minded partner, not to sacrifice our own mindset for theirs. I remember it being such a relief to find the person with whom I was the whole version of myself, and not just one subset of interests.
February 15th, 2010 at 12:08 pm
Terrific post and fascinating topic (I might have to borrow for ILI!). I remember one friend in particular who would literally morph into a different person each time she dated a new guy. She went from preppy to sophisticated to funky… It was never-ending and baffled me. But now she is married and has her first baby. And I am so happy to see that she – like you – has found a relationship where she can really be herself, where her permutations are tolerated and embraced.
For better or worse, I think I have pretty much stayed myself in relationships. But that “self” has evolved markedly over time…
February 15th, 2010 at 2:10 pm
I usually do flowers or dinner and sometimes both. But I never get a card. Cards are pointless. They cost an unreasonable amount of money and wined up in the trash two weeks later. If you really need to say how you feel then just tell them. Or even better write it your self; you can really win big with that.
February 15th, 2010 at 2:10 pm
Great post Anne! I also was heavy metal girl (my first true love) but generally stayed myself after that. Not to say that I didnt tweak my interests along the way – mostly musical. I know that my husband is the right guy because we are so different and that is ok. No need to learn how to surf or develop a love of Frank Sinatra. I can just be me. Which is pretty darn peaceful.
February 15th, 2010 at 3:52 pm
Because I have somewhat of a card/stationary/paper fetish, I can proudly say that I’ve saved every single card that I’ve received from Maikael over the past 13 years (and vice versa). But the written word is important in my life, so it means something different for everyone.
February 16th, 2010 at 4:29 am
I do recall those days and laugh at the granola Anne as I am probably mostly that person. I love my trees (forestry major) yet knew that wouldn’t put food on the table (business major also).
So, this year for Valentine’s, I ran 8.6 miles as I am training for my first half marathon – partly because of a guy (not to get but because he introduced me to camaraderie of running). I hurt after that run like I have not yet but I will survive as I treated myself to a day laying in bed, stretching during commercials and watching Olympics.