Blah
Posted by Elizabeth
Today I was supposed to lay forth the ground rules for the Technoless Challenge. I say “supposed to” because, to be honest, my heart just isn’t into it. I realized somewhere in the last week that, when I set my mind to breaking a bad habit, I usually emerge the victor. Remember the challenge I issued to myself last October, to break through my fitness plateau? Once I made up my mind that it was a priority, I proceeded to hit my target weight in three months (and then I got pregnant). And that’s how I break bad habits: I make it a priority. This whole Technoless Challenge is really just a reflection of the fact that I’ve never made an earnest effort to reduce my social email and networking site time. For me, the solution is simple: I’m going to make an effort by setting some self-imposed time limits while reducing the temptation (laptop sitting on coffee table all day = too tempting). Period. So for those of you who were gearing up to take the challenge with me, please accept my deepest apologies. What can I say? Things change.
The truth is, after the elation of spreading my good news on Friday, and a sorta disastrous Valentine’s Day, I find myself bathing in the emotional afterglow of a strange weekend. Unlike Anne’s “Valentine’s-neutral” approach (she is so even-keeled), I have always found myself living life hanging from the highest rafters or dragging through the lowest valleys. “Equilibrium” has never been my strong suit. That’s why I was so proud of myself when Maikael and I decided to approach this year’s Valentine’s Day with a “no-big-deal, whatever-happens-happens” attitude. To clarify, Valentine’s Day is not usually met with a great deal of pomp and circumstance in our household. We usually exchange cards and go out to a nice dinner, and that’s about it. However, we’ve been out a lot lately, and we are currently in the throes of a DIY bathroom renovation project that is taking twice as long to complete as we had originally bargained for (why does everyone delude themselves into believing that their project will be different?). Given these circumstances, this Valentine’s Day would be met with even greater asceticism than usual. And I was okay with that. At least, I thought was okay with that.
A good start.
On Friday night the UPS man dropped a package at my front doorstep; when I opened it, I was met with an asymmetrical, eggplant heart stuffed with truffles from the very fancy-pants Vosges chocolatier. The weekend was off to a good start! On Saturday we enthusiastically picked up the special-order window for our bathroom – the one we’ve been talking about installing for five years – which wasn’t what we’d envisioned. Then, we cut a gigantic hole through the side of our house, which was higher than we’d thought it would be. Amidst the sawing and banging I couldn’t take my customary afternoon nap – this pregnancy has left me dead-tired — so I made dinner instead, a Mexican feast, Maikael’s favorite. The pork and potato tacos, simmering in a fiery red guajillo chile-spiked sauce, smelled delicious. But apparently this baby does not like spicy food, and I spent the rest of the evening belching like a frat boy and trying to enjoy whatever crap we were watching as we flipped through TV channels.
Pretending to take a "shower" in our new stall. Still smiling at this point.
Sunday wasn’t much better. After continuing to struggle with the window, we finally installed it. Twice. I was looking forward – with unusual enthusiasm – to watching Enchanted on USA at 6:30 that evening, but tuned in to find the credits rolling. This was after I lost out on an eBay auction for a lamp that I had my heart set on, even though I said I didn’t have my heart set on it, in the final seconds. And then came the leftover tacos! Oh, and a dry cupcake for dessert. By the time we sat down to watch Inglorious Basterds, my stomach was roaring and I wanted nothing more than to go to bed. Which is why I thought it would be the perfect time to hop on the Internet and purchase our tickets for next weekend’s Taste of Albuquerque! Let’s just say neither I nor the Junior League of Albuquerque is long on technology, and when you throw these two things together, utter confusion ensues. And rather than simply hanging it up for the night, I pushed forward out of pure determination, beseeching Maikael for his sage advice as to how to make the website work. Maikael, clearly exhausted after having spent 48 hours struggling with a bathroom window, may have snapped something about “don’t drag me into your projects.” And then I may have snapped something about “you’re one to talk, I can’t even take a nap with all that banging.” And then he may have said something about “spending every weekend on this project so that we can have a nice bathroom.” And I may have said something about “what, and carrying your unborn child isn’t work?” Or something like that. I can’t remember the exact words, but rest assured, it was very dramatic. In any event, Valentine’s Day ended with me retreating to the bedroom and reading a chapter from Lorrie Moore’s A Gate at the Stairs. Last week’s resolution at The Happiness Project was to “fight fair,” and this week’s is “don’t expect praise or appreciation,” and I’m sorry to say I failed miserably at both. We never even got a chance to exchange cards.
As I replay these events, it’s obvious that nothing altogether wonderful or awful happened this weekend. In a funny way, it ended up being the “Valentine-neutral” holiday that Anne described yesterday. At the end of the day, lost eBay auctions, missed naps, and indigestion are trifles. So why, in the heat of the moment, did it all feel so doomsday? Obviously, there was some undercurrent of expectation that I had created for this 48 hour period, whether I was aware of it or not. If I really examine the mental images I’ve been carrying around, they are stuffed with expectation. I thought we’d share a lingering dinner at home – one that wasn’t punctuated with low-energy conversation after a day of hard work or capped off with monster digestion problems. I thought there would be less doing and more talking. More smiles and less sighs.
We are always creating expectations for ourselves, even when we think we’re not. We talk a lot about the pitfalls of setting high expectations, but it’s just as easy to create low expectations that are equally impossible to achieve. Saying we’re trying to keep things “low-key” or “easy-going” is in and of itself an expectation, and given the constraints of our construction project, it was unreasonable to expect that there would be anything “low key” about this weekend. The fact is, even though I knew the reality of this two-day period going in, even when I said I didn’t have expectations, I did. We didn’t fail; my expectations did.
Rest assured that Maikael and I mended our fences and eventually exchanged our cards. The construction project will continue chugging forward next weekend. And that box of chocolates will be gone before you know it.
Did anyone else have sort of a miserable Valentine’s Day? Any horror stories to share, from the recent or not-so-recent past? Do you suffer from setting unreasonable expectations, either too high or too low? Anybody else out there suffer from spicy food intolerance during pregnancy (a REALLY tough thing living in New Mexico, let me tell you)?
February 16th, 2010 at 6:24 am
I spent Valentine’s Day 1994 with my head in a toilet. I had made French Onion Soup for dinner, thinking it very wintery and romantic. The recipe called for TWO STICKS OF BUTTER. Not good when you’re pregnant. I was sick as a dog, and I know it was because of the damn butter, not because of the pregnancy. That is a Valentines Day that will live in infamy.
February 16th, 2010 at 7:57 am
Elizabeth, I feel your pain. I recently wrote about hormones because they are seriously underrated, and I think you, too, have become a victim this Valentine’s Day. (But that’s okay.) I usually look forward to Valentine’s Day as something fun and pretty (red! pink!) to break up the dreadful winter. But this Valentine’s Day, my hormones are so out of whack that I picked up a card at Target while my husband was handling the kids in a different department. Bad. We have two kids now, so we can’t really go out, but we could have had champagne or something. I guess my exhaustion has made me a bit less loving. (And maybe less lovable.) I resolve to do better next year.
On another note, I think your technoless challenge is a wonderful idea. I have been telling myself that I’m an addict and need to stop being on the computer. Always. But then, I wouldn’t have been able to read this great post you wrote! So maybe I’ll join your challenge, but some other time.
February 16th, 2010 at 8:20 am
I am with you Elizabeth……my Valentines day ended up very neutral. I think you ended up feeling dooms day because of hormones, they tend to make some of the most normal situations feel that way. As for the indigetions, tums will become your new best friend, and the spicey foods will become less and less.
February 16th, 2010 at 8:26 am
There were several items I wished I had bought stock in before having kids: diapers, Method cleaning products, and Tums. I didn’t understand the meaning of heartburn until I was pregnant. Ugh.
I love what you have to say here about expectations – great and not-so-great. I often set expectations about people and then find myself aggrieved when they don’t behave the way I want them to. I suppose in a perfect world with perfect self-knowledge, we would be in touch with what we really want so that we can create the best environment in which to get it.
I know for me, at least, that world is far, far on the horizon.
February 16th, 2010 at 8:33 am
Even though you are/were feeling “blah,” this post is lovely. You so perfectly describe the ups and downs of a weekend, of low and high expectations, and of the way a disagreement with a partner amps up. I’m wising you a much better week and savoring of those chocolates in that gorgeous box.
February 16th, 2010 at 8:37 am
“Saying we’re trying to keep things “low-key” or “easy-going” is in and of itself an expectation”
This right here can be as big a recipe for disaster as the grandest, most elaborate plans. I find that low-key weekends usually evolve on their own, rather than being planned as such. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t set out to create them many, many times. Thanks for pointing this out.
February 16th, 2010 at 9:00 am
Jana, you are still welcome to follow along with me as I undergo my own “Technoless Challenge,” if only in spirit! Perhaps from time to time I’ll post a “progress report” with some tips for breaking bad habits? Loved your hormone post, BTW.
February 16th, 2010 at 9:00 am
Perhaps this is a case of schadenfreude, but you just made me feel better, Jennifer!
February 16th, 2010 at 9:32 am
A reposted comment from Facebook from my friend, Amy. Too priceless not to share: “I remember our first V-day after Alan was born. He was 3 weeks old. Hubby started a new job the Monday after he was born, and was exhausted. I had PPD pretty bad and we’d had TONS of nursing issues. Since we couldn’t go out, I went to Sportivos Italian restaurant and got carry-out. Then i got stuck in traffic. By the time I got home, the food was cold, the baby was hungry and I was just so completely over it all. I raised my glass to my husband and said, “Happy freakin’ V-day, handsome.” He responded with, “No lovin’ for me, but atleast I have chocolate.” Then I ate my cold eggplant parmesan while nursing a wiggling baby and dropped sauce on his head. Guess it was a good thing it was cold . . . “
February 16th, 2010 at 10:42 am
A friend of mine loved spicy food while pregnant, now her one year old will pick up the salsa dish and drink it!
February 16th, 2010 at 12:32 pm
I think your title for this post is perfect. And sometimes life – or Holidays – are like that. I’m impressed though that you can take a Blah weekend and still write a fun post about it!
February 16th, 2010 at 2:46 pm
I decided to do something uncharacteristic for me on Valentine’s Day. I frequently, if not always, decide that I won’t have fun or enjoy myself at parties. So when I was invited to a Single’s VDay Bash I was sure it wouldn’t be my cup of tea. I had an image in my head of awkward conversation and people trying too hard. Plus, I dread situations that I can’t plan or control. But then I remembered something a friend said to me, “Sometimes in life you just have to say wtf.” Pretty sure it’s a quote from a Tom Cruise movie. I ended up convincing myself to go and had a blast! It wasn’t at all the lame Valentine’s Day singles event I had envisioned. It could be because it actually had nothing to do with Valentine’s Day. Regardless, it was a good day for me and I’m glad I didn’t spend the evening on my couch with the Olympics.
February 16th, 2010 at 3:13 pm
Elizabeth, thanks for sharing the highs and lows of your Valentine weekend with us. It’s reassuring to know other couples struggle with the same issues. And weekends have always been especially difficult for me – the urge to “get stuff done” leaves me feeling like I didn’t have a weekend at all.
I’ll echo Kristen’s comment and say how much I appreciate your thoughts on expectations. Even though I *say* I’m keeping expectations low, in my mind I’m usually not. But I also think there’s a problem with low/no expectations. It’s easy to be too cynical and negative, masking it by saying you’re “managing expectations.” Balance is the key – realistic expectations.
February 16th, 2010 at 3:54 pm
You’re right: “managing expectations” can sound so clinical. I think we tend to live in a culture of inflated expectations — it’s hard to keep them realistic, but it’s the best we can strive for.
February 16th, 2010 at 3:56 pm
Robyn, for awhile I employed the “Why the Hell Not?” strategy to living life. Namely, if I was asked to do something, and couldn’t think of a good reason NOT to do it, then I did it. And usually? It led to a lot of fun, or at least an interesting experience. Keep embracing the unexpected in life!
February 16th, 2010 at 5:20 pm
Sounds like our Valentine’s Day was similar! I blogged about it as well. Mine took a decidedly different course as my eldest child covered three bridges and a a lake to delight his “Valentine.” And I sat home and worried.
I finished a complete remodel of my home a couple of years ago…and it is stressful. But we like change, RIGHT?
February 17th, 2010 at 9:15 am
Oh, I remember the heartburn well. Problem was, I craved spicy food like nobody’s business but then couldn’t eat it! Suckage!
And I know why your tiff seemed so BIG and dramatic to you…hormones, girl. Your looking glass gets quite distorted when those suckers come into play.
And can I have your taco recipe, please? They sound so delicious!
February 17th, 2010 at 9:57 am
[...] Elizabeth at Life in Pencil is considering going Technoless. [...]
February 17th, 2010 at 11:50 am
This too shall pass. On my worse days I always take heart in the fact that chances are tomorrow will be better. And it usually is.
I am very impressed that you are DIYing a room. Huge! My marriage would never survive a project like that.
February 17th, 2010 at 2:44 pm
I can’t top the great stories here.
But I’m diggn’ the shower pic. And the window.
Nice!