Life’s To-Don’t Lists
Posted by Elizabeth
I’ll never forget the year I graduated from college, when well-meaning people began peppering me with the inevitable question that strikes fear in the heart of every senior. “What are you going to do when you graduate?” The fact was, other than a vague notion that I might move to New York and try to be an actor – with no concrete plan as to how to achieve that goal — I was clueless. Much like Anne, my life had always fallen along neat timelines, and while my peers would have undoubtedly described me as “goal-oriented” — a phrase I’ve always despised — the fact was that, other than an ability to put one foot in front of the other, I didn’t have any goals. I suddenly realized that the only item on life’s to-do list was “graduate from college,” which I was about to cross off. Now what?
Since that uncertain spring ten years ago, my life has taken me down roads I never could have imagined for myself. I owe part of the adventure to the fact that I’ve never clutched the traditional to-do list, with predetermined milestones to meet at specified times. In fact, I don’t know if I ever had a life’s to-do list so much as a life’s to-don’t list. I was never interested in setting goals to get married, have children, buy a house, and establish a successful career. (While most of these things have inadvertently happened to me – isn’t that always the way? – they certainly didn’t fall along any self-imposed timelines or according to a plan, perhaps because you’re supposed to place your intention on what you do want rather than what you don’t want, lest the universe get confused and mix the whole thing up.) While I was comfortable expressing what I didn’t want for my life, I struggled to place any goals on that to-do list. Looking back, though, it’s clear that I was living my life according to a to-do list; in fact, it happens to be a version of the same one I clutch in my hands today. It looks something like this:
- Find spiritual enlightenment
- Solidify my identity
- Lead an interesting and exciting life full of mystery and adventure
- Pursue a career that is the deepest reflection of my soul
- Figure out my purpose on this earth
Yesterday, Anne and many of you readers expressed frustration at not knowing what to do or how to proceed now that you’ve checked off the major items on your to-do list. But what do you do when you will never experience the satisfaction of crossing any of the items off your to-do list? It took me a lot of years to understand that I did have goals – they just happened to be lifelong projects that are so esoteric and abstract that I will never have a chance to complete any of them. If I could boil down this list into one goal, it would read, “Learn to be human.” Because each of these goals is some version of learning to be a fuller, more complete being, a task that won’t be completed until the day I die. Fantastic, huh?
Although Anne and I maintain different sorts of lists, I, too, struggle with the same feeling of foolishly waiting to arrive at “that place;” the location where the puzzle pieces finally fall perfectly into position and I am fully transformed. I read somewhere once that you should only set goals that are achievable, attainable, and quantifiable; that large goals should be broken down into smaller “action items.” While this isn’t really my style, I concede that having such mammoth, nebulous items on my life to-do list isn’t really helping me towards my ultimate goal of learning to live contentedly in the now as a fuller human being. In other words, to live my life in pencil.
Over the coming weeks, I’m going to take a closer look at what’s on my list, examine how these items got there in the first place, and determine if they even belong there. Along the way I hope to change my relationship to the list, and maybe rewrite it all together. If nothing else, I plan on making these five items a little more tangible and understandable – not just for me, but for you, dear reader. It may seem a little silly – even antithetical — to create a list for something as tenuous as living in the now. But we’ve got to start somewhere on our journey, right? My hope is that we can teach each other not just the why but the how of living in the now (wow, that could be the slogan: “The How of the Now”).
Do you maintain a to-do or a to-don’t list? Are you interested in reexamining or rewriting your life’s to do (or to-don’t) list? If so, in what way? What ideas do you have for me as I set about creating more specific goals to live my life in the now? What topics are YOU interested in surrounding this idea of living in the now?
In other news, my meeting with the specialist went great! Thank you all for your encouraging words and concern. As of now (and is there anything beyond what we have right now?), everything looks to be developing normally and healthy with The Blob. Although, it looks much less like The Blob now. Check out this latest sonogram!
February 24th, 2010 at 8:45 am
Well first off, the blob looks more like a baby! So cute!!
I never wrote down my goals, they were just always in my head and i knew one day I had to accomplish them. Now that I am older and getting ready to cross off that last goal I wonder if I had those goals because that is what I wanted or what was expected of me. Don’t get me wrong I love the way my life has turned out, but were my goals predetermined for me?
I would love to have a to do list that would help me live more life in pencil.
February 24th, 2010 at 8:50 am
My husband is a goal-oriented list-maker. I, like Danyiel, keep my goals in my head. I’m much more of a big-picture person. Having lists is occasionally useful to me, but most of the time the unfinished items staring at me from the piece of paper drive me crazy.
And yeah, sonogram technology has come a loooong way!
February 24th, 2010 at 9:18 am
You are brave. Your goals are some of the most ambitious I’ve seen. If my to-do list looked like yours I’m quite confident that I would immediately surrender and never actually *do* anything.
When I was younger my lists were written down and very cross-off-able. But now I keep them in my head, so that I can adjust as necessary along the way.
February 24th, 2010 at 9:32 am
Gale, you’ve found me out! Yes, these goals are WAY too ambitious, and therefore completely unachievable! Hence the quest to simplify. I don’t think to-do (or to-don’t) lists need to be written down to be effective. Even carrying that mental check-list to guide your actions can be useful. Although I’m a huge list-maker by nature, I haven’t been in the habit of writing out life goals. Those five I listed certainly weren’t conscious goals as I went about my life.
February 24th, 2010 at 9:53 am
Crazy – there’s a little person in there!
February 24th, 2010 at 11:10 am
yes, starting to resemble an actual baby. Coincidentally, I wrote about something similar just last night – defining core values. I don’t see anything wrong at all with your list of goals. There might be a slight confusion between the term goals and objectives. Goals are the things you want to achieve (happiness and fulfillment) and objectives are the things that you do to make that happen (take a vacation, consolidate debt, plant a garden). Your objectives will undoubtedly change from time to time, but your goals may not change so often. The objectives are the tasks that we get to cross off the list. If you are familiar with the hierarchy of abstraction, this can clarify the distinction between goals and objectives. To define a goal, you ask ‘why’ and to define an objective you ask ‘how.’ For example WHY do I want to start a family – to fulfill my life purpose to nurture and love (that would be a particular goal). HOW will I lead an interesting and exciting life – by dedicating time each week to my personal creative pursuits of writing poetry and drawing (that would be a particular objective). I apologize if this is all really self evident – I acknowledge that in no place in your post were you soliciting feedback or advice of any kind. Mine is entirely disposable.
February 24th, 2010 at 11:36 am
Diane, I actually WAS soliciting advice, and you’ve done so nicely
You’re right, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the goals, but they need to be “operationalized” better. How I will get to these goals is another matter entirely…which is what I’m hoping to work on. So perhaps it’s more accurate to say, as you point out, that I’m looking for objectives to meet these (very esoteric) goals. Because, as you said, I am more interested in the “how” than the “why” (the “why” I’m already pretty clear on). I’ll be sure to click on over to your site and see what you’ve got to say on core values.
February 24th, 2010 at 12:02 pm
Hey, that Blob looks downright human. Nicely done!
Your post today made me think of Emily’s post about puzzles yesterday at Mothers of Brothers. I loved what she had to say about the meditative quality of completing a defined task – a feeling I can relate to and certainly seek myself. I am a big to-do list maker, but mine are usually very specific, short-term goals. I look forward to following your explorations in the coming weeks. I’ll bring my travel journal and follow along.
February 24th, 2010 at 12:07 pm
Thank you for sharing he wonderful picture of your baby. Amazing isn’t it!
I”m glad everything went well.
On my to do list is one thing: Find Peace. I mean, find peace within myself, find peace in difficult situations, find peace as a kind of faith.
February 24th, 2010 at 12:14 pm
Finding peace: is there any greater of expression of being “in the now” than finding peace? This might be the topic of an upcoming post: HOW to Find Peace.
February 24th, 2010 at 12:29 pm
Here is a lesson in being here NOW…I just typed this thoughtful, long response to your post today, and then submitted only to get an error message that my email was not correct. Hitting the back button revealed that all I typed was lost. So…rather than rewriting all of that, I’m going to embrace that as being here NOW. I wrote something about a phrase I heard on Sunday (in church of all places for me to be!) about focusing on the “quest” of my “questions” in my life. It has helped me focus on my own “goals” (that are so uncannily similar to E’s) and to remember that I am on a journey and BEING on the journey and focusing on my quest of my life is more the point than the end product I often seek or put more attention toward.
Gosh I wish I hadn’t lost that other response….all part of the journey!
February 24th, 2010 at 12:41 pm
“‘Quest’ of my questions” — LOVE IT!
February 24th, 2010 at 6:32 pm
Hey! Just to let you know that you have been awarded a Beautiful Blogger Award… Link back to my blog to find out the details…
February 24th, 2010 at 7:45 pm
Yay, yay, yay on the healthy baybay!
As far as lists…um, yeah. Life to-do lists shift somewhat when kids are in the picture. I don’t want to say that they don’t exist or don’t matter any more, because that is FAR FROM THE TRUTH. For me, anyway, it has just changed. I have changed. And change is good. And changing that list I made when I was in High School is good. And changing that list I made when I was 24 or 28 is good. Today’s list is solid. Some practical. Some life-long goals. I’m content.
But that’s today. Ask me tomorrow.
February 25th, 2010 at 3:05 am
Don’t wait to arrive at “that place;” the location where the puzzle pieces finally fall perfectly into position and you become fully transformed? If “somehow” you DID arrive at “that place” say – this weekend – what in the world would you do on Monday?
I’m in my 60’s now and it seems to me that for the last 30+ years that “that place” keeps changing – I can’t seem to pin “that place” down. Sometimes I wonder if I have already been to “that place” but I wasn’t smart enough to recognize it when I got there.
February 25th, 2010 at 5:53 am
That blob looks beautiful!
On goals, I spent a lot of time just surviving. When that is what is on the plate, goals get shoved to the back or totally pushed off the plate. Now, life is more settled and doable. Goals are beginning to reshape to my current life. I tend to aim big but not quite as big as you. I think you have probably inspired a plethora of blog entries by all of us as we think about our to-do lists.
February 28th, 2010 at 12:20 am
Thanks for the post, Elizabeth. My to-do list in life looks much like yours, which is something that has bothered me for a while now, only because it gives me no specific answers about what I should be doing with my life RIGHT NOW! Okay, so it does in a big way do that…but I guess I feel it’s more difficult to stay focused when you keep your options wide open. Anyway, good food for thought for me, so thanks.
Congratulations, by the way!!!
PS: Earlier I was google searching for career advice (haha I know) and the term CDF came up which made me think of you and how I’ve been wanting to catch up on your blog