False Starts and Rough Beginnings
Posted by Anne
How do you move past a rough beginning? Take the following examples…
- The book whose first 50 pages are slow at best, snooze-inducing at worst.
- The first date filled with slight promise, but even more awkwardness.
- The new job that creates anxiety throughout the entire first year.
- A vacation that begins on the wrong foot—with a flight delay, a bad hotel, or a disappointing meal.
- A new town that disappoints you—a town that’s different than you imagined.
How long do we give something—a relationship, a book, a job, a town—before we give up on it? Do we let these rough (and sometimes disappointing) beginnings taint us before we gather the full story? And how long do we wait? How much patience should we allot before making our decision, breaking it off, or packing our bags?
This dilemma has been at the forefront of my mind since moving to a new town—and a new coast—a year and 7 months ago. I knew moving to the Northwest would be an adjustment, but I was optimistic. I was ready for a lush green landscape, berry farms, and countless destinations for outdoorsy recreation. Our town has totally delivered on those expectations. But culturally, I knew I was in for a change. And I thought I was ready…excited even. It’s been harder than I imagined.
When we first moved here, there were some not-so-pleasant surprises…
- My 2nd day in town, when someone shattered my car window at a local park (at NOON on a TUESDAY), and stole my purse and computer. (Yeah, I was stupid to leave those in my car…but still…)
- The arrival at our new home—a fine and cute rental, but a street that lacked the kind of Northwest charm I’d envisioned.
- A community that was certainly laid-back and kind, but one that also lacked the outgoing and open friendliness I’d known for my entire life in the Midwest.
In short, it was a rough beginning. And after 8 months, I started planning my escape. Life would be better, I thought, when we moved. The Douglas Fir trees would be greener, taller, and better in another city.
But we didn’t move. The opportunities weren’t there yet, and when push came to shove, we weren’t ready to pick up and start over, or leave the security of jobs we like. So we stayed. And people told me, “Give it two years.” People encouraged me, “It takes awhile to feel at home…the Northwest can be a tough place to break into.” And they were right.
This August will mark our 2-year anniversary in our new digs. And since the 8-month mark, our life has changed. We have friends instead of acquaintances. And we have more acquaintances that could become friends. We have a Church, hobbies, favorite restaurants, and favorite neighborhoods. Those first few months of rough beginnings are still there (and hard to shake), but beginning to fade slightly. I’m still not convinced this town will be my home forever—I don’t have that sense. And there are many days I still dream of moving. But not in the urgent, restless way I did before. It feels positive to have made it through a rough start, and to make the best of the situation I’ve got. It feels a little…life in pencil.
Sometimes a false start can indeed be a sign of things to come. And our instincts are often correct. But there’s something gratifying about pushing through the stumbles, and finding something worthwhile on the other end.
Have you ever experienced a rough start? When those rough starts occur, do you “put down the book” so to speak, or do you keep plowing through?
Counting our blessings...
March 9th, 2010 at 5:59 am
Oooh, this is a good one Anne – I think you’ve stumped me with this incredibly difficult question.
The Husband and I love Minneapolis… but it’s only natural to engage in the “Where do we REALLY want to live?” dreaming. With family in Portland, that is often on our minds. However, I’m pretty sure we have it really, really good here and we don’t realize how good. I’ve lived in MN all my life and am honestly terrified of moving.
I had one job that was pretty terrible. I knew from the first month that I had made a mistake. But I told myself to stick with it for a year. And at just about a year, another really great opportunity presented itself. And I wouldn’t have been able to get this awesome new job if I hadn’t been in the terrible one. Sometimes we just don’t know how things will come together…
March 9th, 2010 at 6:21 am
Great post, Anne. I’m a big believer in cutting my losses. Just out of college, I lived in New York City – it was WAY TOO BIG. After just a few months, I bailed and went to Washington DC. It didn’t feel right either. WAY TOO BORING. I lived there for nearly two years before jumping ship and heading to Philadelphia, right in between the other two, and it was JUST RIGHT. I’ve been here for nearly 30 years and love so much about this place. But I’m getting excited about picking up stakes and moving somewhere out west, closer to my family and oldest friends, when our baby leaves the nest.
March 9th, 2010 at 6:53 am
It took me about 2 years to adjust when we moved to our current town. People just weren’t friendly and it was a bit of a culture shock for me. But, like you, I found my way.
I certainly don’t give most things that long…but we couldn’t really move at the drop of a hat.
A book has 30 pages to grab me, or else. Life’s too short!
March 9th, 2010 at 7:52 am
Oh how I resonate with this post, Anne. Moving to where I currently live has been difficult to say the least. I really struggled to like much about this place for the most part of 2 years. I am coming up on 3 years here in June and I am just now feeling more open to living where I live and actually feeling more connected and rooted here. But, wow, it has taken SO long. And no, I don’t think this place will be home forever, but I am so grateful to have stronger friendships and community where I am. I’m working on appreciating all the good stuff and being open to the reality of where home is now.
March 9th, 2010 at 7:53 am
Let me say a word for those who don’t question where they are: if you live in a place that is notable for its low cost of living, you’re in a place that doesn’t have a ton in the way of attractions. 40 years later, you ask, “Why was I dropped on this planet in this particulr spot?” Why am I not somewhere more charming, exciting, etc. Your town was the same place two years ago that it is now. So is mine. As Thoreau said, Be deliberate.
March 9th, 2010 at 9:10 am
As the in-house change-a-holic, I struggle mightily with this in my own life. Knowing when to cut your losses and when to stick it out is often a cosmic mystery. I’ve often been guilty of cutting my losses too soon — and, I suspect, missed out on some great opportunities because of it. But, I think it just lead me down more (circuitous?) roads. And sometimes, as you said, bad starts just get worse. I started one of the worst jobs of my life on 9/11/01: it was definitely an omen.
I think it’s interesting that you say that things got better after that eight-month mark, the point in which you made the CHOICE to stick it out. Sometimes I think change is simply reframing and accepting your circumstance: not that you have to accept them FOREVER, just for now. Sort of the embodiment of LiP, huh?
PS: I give a book 100 pages to capture me before I jump ship!
March 9th, 2010 at 9:14 am
I am the one who holds on, possibly a bit too long, trying to make what I think should work actually work. I have done it with gigs/jobs. I do it with relationships. Some day I will realize I need to cut the cord sooner but I am not ready yet to admit that.
I do, though, only give a book 50 pages and it is gone if it doesn’t grab me.
March 9th, 2010 at 9:17 am
good question. doesn’t seem as though we should expect everything to always be easy and wonderful, else we would probably not fully appreciate the true glory of those easy and wonderful things that we are so fortunate to experience. Good for you for your perseverence and taking the effort to find those wonderful things that are in your own backyard.
March 9th, 2010 at 10:58 am
It took me three years to like New York City. And I would have left if I could during that period. I would still rather live in California, but if I can’t…well, I kinda love Brooklyn.
March 9th, 2010 at 11:11 am
Congrats on finding your equilibrium. That’s no small feat. I too struggled a bit to settle into this city when I moved here nine years ago. But over the course of a couple of years it became familiar, and then it became home. And regardless of what it had to offer at first blush, being “home” is nothing to sneeze at.
March 9th, 2010 at 12:11 pm
Anne I can really relate to this post! Moving to the “other end of the spectrum” is so difficult. Hopefully this huge challenge will result in an amazing blessing.
March 9th, 2010 at 12:42 pm
Like so many of the previous commenters, I have struggled to feel at home in my “new” town. I moved to the Midwest from the Northeast almost three years ago and still don’t quite know what to make of the place.
But, as you have found, I think there is great value in choosing positivity: putting down roots in order to have the opportunity to bloom where you are planted.
March 9th, 2010 at 2:24 pm
So, I guess that “give it two years” advice isn’t off-base. It’s nice to know others have experienced the same thing…and even more comforting that most of you seem to have found some peace, even amidst the discomfort.
March 10th, 2010 at 6:02 pm
Oh, we are so glad you are here…never move, please. Great post. See you soon.