Baby Beginnings
March’s theme at Life in Pencil is Beginnings
Posted by Elizabeth
On Tuesday night I went to my prenatal yoga class, a collection of very pregnant women who are there to nurture themselves and their babies for an hour and a half each week. Except for me. Although my pregnancy will hit the halfway mark in just five weeks, I am the newbie of the group, the one just beginning this adventure called pregnancy. My rookie status isn’t helped by the fact that I’m barely sporting a “baby bump,” which reinforces this feeling that I don’t really belong amongst this group of seasoned veterans. “Place your hands around your baby,” cooed our instructor, and, while we were supposed to be relaxing, I squinted at my classmates through the slits of my eyes. Each woman luxuriantly rubbed her protruding belly, her condition obvious to the world around her. Meanwhile, I tentatively patted the small bulge under my fitted shirt, inhaling deeply for exaggerated effect, but only managing to achieve a distended shape that looked like the remains of a particularly large lunch. Why aren’t I bigger by now? Why don’t I look more pregnant? When I am going to begin getting bigger?
As if reading my mind, the instructor continued. “If your baby isn’t very big yet, enjoy your smallness. You’ll have plenty of time to be big later.” It dawned on me that I was letting my size signal the emotional beginnings of pregnancy. Given my small frame and the fact that it’s my first pregnancy, I needed to accept the fact that it could be a couple more months before I start to truly “look” pregnant. But I didn’t want to wait to begin enjoying my pregnancy until my physical state matched my emotional one, or wish away months of memories in the sole pursuit of arriving at a point in which others perceive me as pregnant. I wanted to do what the instructor was asking me to do: start living the experience for what it is right now.
Even if you’re not pregnant, we’ve all experienced a time in our life when something new was beginning, but we couldn’t quite capture, embrace, or enjoy the experience, even though that’s what we were supposed to be doing. Nearly every day someone admonishes me to “enjoy every minute of it.” My response? “I’m trying to, but I honestly don’t know how to.” With that, I’m usually met with a polite smile and deep silence. While we love to invoke the magical words “enjoy it” – as ubiquitous as Nike’s “Just Do It!” campaign – the truth is that most of us have no clue how to do just that.
How do we take in an experience while it’s happening to us? I suspect the answer is different for each of us, but as a sentimental sap who enjoys recording my thoughts and feelings via the written word, I thought the perfect medium for beginning to enjoy each phase of my pregnancy – for whatever it had to offer me – was through a memory book. While I might not look pregnant, I already had a storehouse of memories and tangible artifacts from the past four months that I was afraid of losing. I immediately dashed out to the bookstore to buy such a book, and was disappointed to discover an anemic selection that seemed to suggest that not much happened in a baby’s life before the day is was born. I had begun the process of becoming a mother long before this baby would ever take a breath on its own, and I wanted a book to capture these beginnings.
It was clear that no such book existed in preprinted form, so I decided to make my own to honor this new phase of life. I believe we connect with our authentic selves in the moment by paving our own path, and this was one small way that I could do just that. I don’t need it to look slick and professional, and I don’t want to wait until the end of nine months to put it together in order to create a more organized or aesthetically-pleasing product: it is a work in progress created for my emotional benefit. Today I plan on going in search of the perfect book, giving myself plenty of unhurried time to enjoy the hunt. I’ve already gathered the bits of pieces of memorabilia: the first sonograms, greeting cards of congratulations, and my first letter to baby. I’ve jotted down the memories, too, both big and small: the day I found out I was pregnant, the disastrous Valentine’s Day dinner where I discovered my sudden aversion to spicy foods, the multitude of reactions, hearing the heartbeat for the first time, persistent fears and nagging hopes. Even replaying these small scenes from the past four months helped me to see that my journey had more than begun.
How have you honored beginnings in your own life that have helped you to feel more connected to the experience? I chose a memory book, but I’m curious what other methods people have devised to “initiate” themselves into a new experience. When someone tells you to “enjoy the experience,” what do you want to run out and do?
Do you find that capturing the experience in some concrete way helps to savor the experience? I find that details are soulful, and if we’re looking to connect to the moment, remembering the details of an experience – no matter how big or small – is helpful in doing so. Perhaps it’s the reason I love storytelling so much.
Does becoming aware of the experience increase or decrease your enjoyment of the experience? Some would argue that becoming aware of an experience immediately negates the purpose; that observing behavior changes the behavior. I’m a terrible photographer because taking photos immediately pulls me out of the experience (although I’d venture to say there are lots of people out there who find themselves grounded in the present when they’re taking photos). And yet, in my own experience, I’ve discovered that intentionally recording and remembering an experience helps me to feel more connected to it.
March 12th, 2010 at 5:51 am
I love being aware of beginnings. Rest assured you will look pregnant. I was five months pregnant at my own wedding and no one knew – except close family and possibly the seamstress who had work a small miracle to get my dress to zip.
I tend to write and photograph my beginnings. I have tons of photos that I should print and get into a format to keep for others. Beginnings and endings – from college to childbirth to even death. All these memories, milestones are waiting to take a form of some sort.
March 12th, 2010 at 8:17 am
I love the idea of a memory book to capture these precious months of anticipation. What a beautiful gift to your baby!
The only thing similar that I can think of is the year my husband and I were “courting.” He had moved to another state, to be with his parents and take care of his mother during her breast cancer treatment. So we knew we would be apart for awhile, but eagerly, hopefully counted the months until we would be together for the rest of our lives. I kept a journal and scrapbook of those months. I didn’t want to forgot the little things, the strong emotion, the excitement of still learning new things about one another. If I hadn’t made a point to record that stuff, I’m sure I would have forgotten much of it.
March 12th, 2010 at 8:31 am
Like you, I am all about savoring through the written word. I have a personal blog where I have recorded many of my thoughts and experiences during each of my pregnancies and of course once the children are born! I have then created pulled all those pregnancy and baby specific entries and put them into a blog book (www.blurb.com) for each of my children. They turn out so amazing! And special because they are formatted and designed just for me by me. These books are one of my ultimate life treasures. I always tell my husband that if the house is on fire, he must get the children out and I will get the blog books. Pregnancy, childbirth, infancy and parenthood these are moments that while you are experiencing them, you think, “There is no way I could possibly forget this moment.” But you do! I love having such a complete record of the amazing, the good, and even the ugly moments that make up my life.
March 12th, 2010 at 10:36 am
Like Garnet, I use my family blog to record my memories of my children. I am in the process of turning it into book. Yikes! I also journal where I jot down simple memories. My time decides where I write down my memories.
As for looking pregnant? I didn’t start to “show” until I was 7 1/2 months with my first. Then again, I lost so much weight in the beginning because of my ultra sick morning sickness that I was playing catch up the rest of the pregnancy.
March 12th, 2010 at 10:40 am
Everything you are doing right now is embracing your new beginning. The writing will help keep the “small things” from escaping your brain when you have kids running around driving you crazy.
Every now and then, something will trigger a memory. When I was pregnant with my first, I would have quiet time before bed. I had a gadget strapped to my belly, piping music directly to the womb (for me it was the Disney Lullaby album EVERY night). I turned on one of those paper lamps that displayed a light show on the walls and ceiling. It was a peaceful nightly ritual that left me feeling so connected; I was never too busy for this time together. What I didn’t realize was how strongly SMELL would trigger memories. At the time, I had one of those Bath and Body Works plug-in fragrance things in my room. Years later, I caught that smell in passing, and it instantly brought me back to those soothing nights with Sophie.
If you haven’t started already (I was a gun-jumper), preparing baby’s clothes makes it all VERY real. The smell of Dreft triggers that same wave of memories. I would wash, fold, unfold, wash, repeat (obsessively). I felt like I was DOING something. Preparing baby’s room will put you in Mommy mode.
I had good scrapbooking/baby book intentions. I even kept it up the first week or so after Sophie was born (they sleep 19 hours a day at first!!!). I have a feeling you will easily be able to maintain the memory documentation, but I failed miserably! I did write a letter to her as she hit every month mark for the first year, and saved them (somewhere). This is a great way to remember the little things that WILL escape you, and keep track of the milestones.
I feel that this experience for you can only be improved by consciously making it special. It will be these NEW things in your life, the new rituals, that stick with you and create memories and emotion.
Now you’re starting to give me the fever. Sigh. I loved being pregnant!
March 12th, 2010 at 10:46 am
Elizabeth – it’s more practical than sentimental, but you might look at this pregnancy planner: http://www.amazon.com/Weeks-Essential-Pregnancy-Organizer-Organizers/dp/0976647915/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1268415859&sr=8-1.
As for my own beginnings, I tend to be cognizant of them, but I don’t know how well I document them. Like others, I update our family blog regularly and it now serves as our virtual memory book.
March 12th, 2010 at 11:07 am
Elizabeth, first off, let me say I’m so pleased to have stumbled on your blog via facebook! I absolutely love discovering “what else people are passionate about”… especially when I have only known those people in a former life (girls choir at age 9? My goodness, it’s been nearly 20 years! And Miss Brenna above in AHS jazzchoir.. remember me?)
It’s even better when those discoveries reveal like-minded people who have a wonderful way with words– I’m definitely adding Life in Pencil to the daily blog read.
Onto the topic here: I am also newly pregnant, so I’m very interested in all these thoughts and suggestions. I’m a writer first, so recording a my own little memory book sound like a great way to start. I’m sure I’ll be blogging about it, once I’m out of my first trimester, but I’m betting there’s a lot of things I’ll just want to keep for me and my family, alone.
I also love the idea of creating a quiet time. If the nightly heartburn and neausea ever settle down, I think I’ll give that a try.
March 12th, 2010 at 12:04 pm
I agree that it’s hard sometimes to enjoy the moment of a new begining. It’s the start of something that will be fully manifested later, so there’s this looking forward all the time.
One thing that can take away from the moment is the video camera. When it’s on everyone becomes the actor and overly aware of themselves. It’s good for fun moments but not for memories you want to closer connected to. I have a video camera but now use it selectively.
That said – I picked a day here and there and recorded my baby boy and made a dvd of it. Now he loves to watch it.
March 12th, 2010 at 5:26 pm
I love this post for a couple of reasons. First, I remember my very first prenatal yoga class. I walked the ten blocks there, my hand resting on what I thought was a HUGE 16 week baby belly and then I arrived. The women were all 30+ weeks and next to them, I didn’t look pregnant. I hated that. But soon enough? I was one of the big belly babes and there were new rookies on the mat next to me checking out my glorious bump.
Second, I love this because you are asking a question that echos throughout my days. Whether memorializing our moments, our beginnings, in some way alters them or obscures their essential nature. And I don’t know. I didn’t realize it at the time, but in beginning my blog, I was recording a beginning of which I wasn’t even cognizant at the time. A beginning of a new, more open and examining, me. Does blogging my way through my days change those days? Maybe. But for the better, I think.
Fantastic post.
March 12th, 2010 at 8:55 pm
I only wish I was half so good at recording the important beginnings and transitions in my life. I tend to be aware of them often only after I have gone through metamorphosis. You inspire me to return to the times in my life where I felt my thoughts and feelings were worth recording… to make myself more aware of these important moments. On the verge of taking the first steps towards starting a family, it is wonderful to have you to look to.
March 14th, 2010 at 5:33 pm
As a parent this will be a recurring theme from now until forever. How do “enjoy this time”? How do I appreciate it MORE? And its hard because you have no context with your first child. Its funny because I was just going through old pictures of Noah when he was a sweet baby and not a surly tween — and THAT was my moment, looking back and remembering. But at the time the picture was taken, I can’t say I was totally engrossed in the moment per se. You will make all kinds of memories and some will just reside in your mind – which I believe is the safest place anyhow.
I would counsel you to do what feels right — but dont overburden yourself. There are times when I dont pull out the video camera or take a pic or write about something because that actually does take me out of the moment because Im too busy capturing it to enjoy it.
But be sure to get a few pics of your belly along the way. You will look back and say — OH MAN — I was HUGE!!
March 16th, 2010 at 6:38 pm
Sorry to be so late to this post. I love what you have to say here, and think that Aidan and Emily tag-teamed to share the thoughts I had upon reading it.
I kept a detailed pregnancy journal with my first pregnancy and a much less detailed one with my second. I do enjoy looking back on them, and imagine I will even more as the memories get more distant. (Practically speaking, the journal from my first pregnancy was helpful in giving context to my second pregnancy.)