A Weekend Experiment
Posted by Anne
This weekend, I conducted a highly scientific experiment. I attempted to avoid all discussion of my future (or planning for my future) for 48 hours. Here’s the context…
My husband and I skipped town for the weekend, and indulged in a much needed getaway. Our destination was the intersection of the Columbia River and the Pacific Ocean—the little town of Astoria, Oregon. The last time we visited Astoria, it was both a success and a disaster. We loved the bizarre town—with its filming locales from The Goonies, its funky storefronts, misty skies, and maritime vibe. But the last time we visited, I nearly ruined the final day of the trip with my obsessive planning and freakish need to know the future. I wrote about it here. It wasn’t pretty.
This time, I decided to approach the weekend with a different attitude, and I’d like to offer the following report on the results of my weekend experiment.
The Purpose: To test my ability to spend 48 hours with my husband (including a couple of long car rides) without forcing us into a conversation wherein I attempt to plan the next 5 years of our lives.
Hypothesis: By focusing on the present rather than the future, I will enjoy myself more on our weekend away, thereby affirming my dedication and commitment to this Life in Pencil.
Null Hypothesis: I will see no difference whatsoever, and be forced to conclude that Life in Pencil is a load of hooey.
Methods/Procedures/Strategy:
Before leaving, I set these rules…
1. For the duration of the trip, I am forbidden from introducing any subject that requires looking beyond 2 to 3 hours into the future.
2. I will refrain from purposely steering our conversation towards the future.
3. When tempted to ask obnoxious, unanswerable questions about our future life together, I will look for a way to comment on the landscape, the weather, or The Goonies.
4. If completely unable to comment on the present, I will ask about our plans for the next meal. (This is generally a safe bet for me. I’m easily distracted by food.)
Caffeine, children's literature, and time to write. I was armed with many strategies to distract myself from the future.
Results:
It was hard for me. Nothing shocking there. The surprising part was that my little experiment worked…just not in the way I suspected. You see, we still talked about the future. But in a very different way. I can only describe it as….natural. Most of the time, we attended to the fun we were having. We commented on the locals, the breeze, the food, and ships cutting through the water. When our future arose in our conversations, we didn’t set timelines. We wondered instead of planned. And it was fun. It was fun because I didn’t allow myself to become agitated. I wasn’t fixated on finding answers to my questions about the future, and so I learned that daydreaming about the future with a loved one is a truly entertaining and emotionally intimate way to pass the time.
Discussion:
Avoiding all discussion of my future apparently isn’t the answer. Attending to the present doesn’t always mean ignoring what’s to come. The difference was in letting those conversations arise without effort—without forcing them. And when the answers don’t come, and our future can’t be predicted…it’s time to let the conversation go. It’s time to move back to pleasure of NOW.
Final Note: Feel free to attempt a replication of this study, if you suffer from the same “planning addict issues” I do. If it doesn’t work for you, well, I don’t know what to tell you. This was an iron-clad study with highly scientific findings.
Oh, and Life in Pencil is NOT, as it turns out, a load of hooey.
April 12th, 2010 at 5:46 am
Sounds like a perfectly lovely weekend! I love that you got the results you were looking for (a pleasant weekend unencumbered by pressure of future milestones) but in an unexpected way (enjoyable discussiong of future). I love it when things both do and don’t go according to plan. It helps us realize that making plans isn’t altogether a waste, but that writing them in stone probably is. Congrats on a successful experiment!
April 12th, 2010 at 7:55 am
PS – I think your “highly” scientific study was a little more ironclad than you give it credit for. A “null hypothesis”? Haven’t seen one of those since high school chemistry…
April 12th, 2010 at 7:55 am
I love that you wrote this post using the scientific method! How clever!
I probably need to do this at some point. I kind of obsess about the future too…sometimes to the detriment of the present.
April 12th, 2010 at 9:04 am
Love the experiment and bravo to you! I think I need to implement my own experiment. I will keep you updated on the results.
April 12th, 2010 at 10:11 am
I have the opposite problem, I prefer to make things up as I go along. My plans, to the extent I have any, are always very hazy. Recently when we went to NYC, my husband left the “planning” to me. I felt compelled to do something really specific in order to mollify him, so I bought tickets to the Empire State Building on line, in advance. Can you predict how this story turns out? We got there, saw massive lines, and bagged the Empire State Building….hence, $100+ down the drain. Dang, I KNEW there was a reason I was constitutionally opposed to planning! PS the tickets are good for two years. So maybe, someday, someone will use some of them.
April 12th, 2010 at 1:07 pm
Astoria is lovely. Husband and I had a really lovely trip there when we visited family in Portland last year. I loved watching the ships, and that bridge is something else!
Anne, I really have to give you credit for attempting this weekend without planning. It’s such an admirable goal, but I’m not sure I could do it. I feel my life is overwhelmed with future-talk right now. It isn’t easy to shift gears mentally, and I’m inspired by you!
April 12th, 2010 at 2:08 pm
I am so impressed that you tried this! My weekend escapes to the beach are usually a time to reflect and evaluate my life. The calm setting is a perfect place to make a plan for the future… so this must have been difficult!
April 12th, 2010 at 2:48 pm
Eva–I thought that looked like the Astoria bridge as the photo on your blog:)
April 13th, 2010 at 3:12 pm
Anne: Consider reading Echart Tolle’s, The Power of Now.