Posted by Elizabeth

Each of us, whether we realize it or not, plays prescribed roles in our own lives.  Sometimes we choose these roles for ourselves; other times we unwittingly adopt them or someone assigns them to us.  But nowhere is this phenomenon truer than in partnerships.  There is the person who does the yardwork, the barbecuing, tends the finances, buys the gifts, writes the thank-you notes, takes out the trash, washes the cast-iron skillet (yes, in our relationship, there is a designated person to do this task), makes unpleasant phone calls to insurance companies, and manages the social calendar.  Oftentimes these roles are circumscribed so early in a relationship that no one considers ever rewriting them, even when they fail to function as they once did.

During the course of our trip, I stumbled upon an interesting realization:  aside from the day-to-day roles that Maikael and I play, each of us has roles that we adopt when we travel.  I’m not sure if this is true in most partnerships, but Maikael and I have traveled enough together that we’ve worn a groove in our travel routines.  These roles didn’t develop overnight.  There was a lot of fumbling around as we figured out where each of us fit best.  In other words, there was a lot of rewriting along the way.  Here’s what I’ve observed:

Money: While I manage the “travel fund” portion of our savings, Maikael is the keeper of the money when we’re actually on the road.  All ATM withdrawals happen from his card, and credit card purchases are made on his MasterCard (namely because it is no-fee on international charges).  Once money is withdrawn, it’s divided between the two of us to minimize an “all the eggs in one basket” scenario should a wallet be lost or stolen.  However, Maikael is ultimately responsible for keeping track of our cash flow.  While he keeps an eye on the bills, I am (happily!) the keeper of the coins.

Documents: I keep copies of all of our important documents – including confirmations of hotels, transportation, tours – in a plastic accordion file.  This role brings me a lot of joy.  During our round-the-world trip I insisted that Maikael keep his own accordion file; this did not bring him a lot of joy, so I took over this organizational role on subsequent trips, which makes both of us happier and gives me greater peace of mind.  I always guard our passports, except on travel days when we’re each responsible for our own.

Reservations: I am the maker of all reservations.  Plain and simple.

Maps & Directions: Before we leave home, I print out maps and directions from Google Maps, which I carefully place in my accordion file.  However, once we’re at our destination, it is Maikael’s job to interpret said maps.  Because Maikael’s map-reading skills are superior to mine (he has much better spatial-relation abilities), it’s his job to figure out a course through a city on a local map.  I used to second-guess his skills and try to play the role of co-pilot, but I soon discovered that it’s easier to simply surrender control to him in this particular arena.  I am a terrible navigator.

Eating: I always choose the restaurants we’ll eat in, namely because I care more than Maikael does when it comes to food.  Rather than pretending to weigh in on the matter, he now simply asks, “Where are we eating dinner tonight?”

Initiating Conversations: When it comes to approaching strangers to ask a question or procure information, I used to make Maikael do all the talking — especially when it involved a transaction in a foreign language.  This role has seen major revision.  I’ve finally reached the point where it doesn’t make me feel nervous or intimidated anymore, so this is a role that we happily share in equal measure.

The happ(ier) couple!

As I look at the division of these roles, I see them not as an extension of gender types (men handle the money, women handle organization) so much as our personalities.  I’m better at keeping track of details, and Maikael is better at orienteering.  The roles we’ve chosen capitalize on our inherent strengths and skills, and our travels seem to go more smoothly when we own these roles.  Another thing I noticed is that we’ve rewritten our travel roles more than our everyday ones.  There is something about travel, I guess, that feels more fluid and open to revision.  Travel is a chance for us to be someone other than who we are at home. While I maintain the social calendar at home and am often responsible for bringing new people into our fold, Maikael is the one who is likely to net us a new friend on the road.  I think our everyday selves could learn a thing or two from our travel selves – maybe it’s time to start some rewriting?

What roles do you play in your everyday life?  When you travel?  Do those roles change on the road?  What roles in your life would you like to give up, take on, or simply rewrite?