Fess Up
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Posted by Anne
Sex and the City 2 is lush, over-the-top, and fairly ridiculous. And I thoroughly enjoyed it. Mostly because nestled amidst the absurdity are some really lovely scenes. My favorite: Miranda and Charlotte sit side-by-side at their hotel suite bar, sipping cocktails in unbelievably posh travel-wear, as is their custom. They are two smart, fashionable, capable women. They are also two mothers. Charlotte, a character who longed for a family for 6 seasons of the television show, is simply overwhelmed by life with a fussy infant and an energetic toddler, but won’t admit it. No, she wanted children for too long. She shouldn’t complain. Cajoled by Miranda and bolstered by alcohol, she comes clean, and fesses up. It’s hard. She’s tired. She loves her family more than anything, but she’s flat worn out. It’s relieving to her to let it out, and it’s relieving to us as viewers. Nobody needs to be alone in this. But her reluctance to air the truth makes me wonder…
Why is it that we, as women, have such trouble admitting to each other that life is occasionally short of perfect? Why can’t we simply fess up? We’d probably all feel more validated and more normal if we had these real conversations, instead of peppering our dialogue with only the socially acceptable grievances. What would it look like if we were honest?
Honest Friend #1: “How are you doing this week?”
Honest Friend #2: “Oh, you know. Basically really good. But I’m feeling down this morning because husband and I had argument over something really stupid. And I can’t find a sitter for Friday, and I need to get out of the house more.”
What’s wrong with that? Sure, if we had this conversation with everyone we met in the course of a day, we’d become annoying. There are social graces we adopt in this world, and I happen to be a fairly big fan of social graces. Not to mention we’d actually probably feel even worse if we solely reported on our struggles. But when we’re amongst valued friends? It can be a relief to tell it like it is. But before we can make that leap, here’s what we must be willing to do…
Admit when the life of our dreams looks a little different than we envisioned.
Rewriting your expectations of the perfect marriage and the perfect family is one difficult psychological task. But what’s the upside? What’s the advantage of sharing the reality with our fellow wo-man? Support, validation, and authenticity. Marriage takes work. Kids are tiring. Babies cry. These are not failures, simply facts. As women, we’d do well to fess up—and if we promise not to judge one another, I believe we’d all benefit from a boost in authenticity.
Do you feel like you can be “real” with your friends? Or do you ever feel guilty admitting when life is harder than you envisioned?
June 30th, 2010 at 6:18 am
What a great post this morning! I loved the movie, too, for the little moments between friends that, while they certainly don’t often occur while wearing coture in the middle of a desert outside of Dubai, are very authentic and true to life.
I don’t often or easily come out with the truth about how I’m feeling. If I’m having an off day, I might talk about everything else under the sun, except for what’s really bothering me. But, amazingly, when I’m finally honest about it, I feel so much better! Why don’t I do that more often? I guess most of us probably hold back because the truth about who we really are and how we’re really feeling seems like a vulnerability. Probably one that takes more strength than many others to show.
Thanks for the thoughtful and insightful post! And Sex and the City RULES! : )
June 30th, 2010 at 7:15 am
I live in Stepford; all of the women are perfectly coiffed and never admit to being tired or bored or unfulfilled. It’s overwhelming. I rely on the online community for honesty–sad, but true.
June 30th, 2010 at 7:42 am
Okay, I’ll volunteer. My son had two dirty diapers this morning. One of the dogs drank too much water after our walk and vomited all over the kitchen. My son walked through it in his footed PJs. And I was half an hour late getting into work.
But to your larger point, YES, we should all be willing to bare our warts from time to time. The scene you referenced from SATC2 was my favorite of the whole movie, for its authenticity and ugly truths. To unload these burdens in safe environments with like-minded women is one of the true blessings of real friendship. If we pass on that opportunity we are wasting a good thing.
June 30th, 2010 at 7:52 am
I’ve often wondered about this myself because I find myself reluctant to “fess up”, even to my ‘closest’ friends. I think it’s because of the prevailing fiction of a complete woman’s life – she manages home, kids, husband, job, hobbies with energy, cheerfulness, resilience and most of all, success – a fiction that hasn’t changed all that much from Victorian times but has had so many more roles assimilated into it!! When I hear about my friends being overwhelmed or tired, I can empathize, but yet I feel contempt for their inability (and mine) at the same time! When I do ‘fess up’ I don’t usually feel better (unless it’s to my mom)- I only feel regret later that I have weakened myself in the eyes of my friends, who don’t always share in return. sometimes commiseration only makes me feel worse – that my problems are really something to worry about!
I guess what I picture is the pioneer women – their strength and hardiness, and I’m sure they found that strength in female companionship, but I don’t imagine them discussing their woes much. Problems, fatigue, overwork, are all part of an industrious, useful life. I think most women recognize this fiction of perfection. Talking about it with other mothers helps me to remember this and to try not to put too much pressure on myself. At the same time, I think it is a useful fiction. Striving for an ideal is always important for personal growth, as long as we recognize that we are all just striving!
June 30th, 2010 at 8:13 am
Love this post, Anne. I’m working on being more authentic and seeking relationships with others who are willing to do the same. And I LOVED that same scene from SATC2. xo
June 30th, 2010 at 8:23 am
Thank you for this, Anne. I often measure the quality of my friendships by how honest and open we can be about the little and big things that shape our days. And I’ve actually found more honesty in the blog world on these points than I do among many of my offline friends and acquaintances. Perhaps the relative anonymity allows us to be more forthcoming and more honest versions of ourselves?
P.S. Can you believe I still haven’t seen SATC2? It came and went from my small-town theater in a single weekend and I somehow missed it. Oh, the shame!
June 30th, 2010 at 9:14 am
I tend to be pretty real with those closest to me. But being real takes time so often I will just say “I’m fine.” rather than blurt out “I’m having a major existential crisis (thanks Elizabeth) and am wondering why I was put on this earth!” Beign real takes explanation and talking through — so if I suffer from facades, it’s because of a lack of time.
On the flip side lately I have noticed a number of people I follow on Twitter are constantly sharing how tough and horrible their lives are. This is exhausting to read and lacks the context I’m sure is needed to understand why these people don’t make the changes necessary to improve their situation.
So I am all for being real!! It feels good. But for the sake of the people you are sharing your deepest feelings, give it the time it deserves.
Great post Anne!
June 30th, 2010 at 9:23 am
I have three friends I share pretty much everything with, possibly more than they want to know! I have other friends I’d like to be that close to – maybe being more open is how to push those friendships to the next level.
June 30th, 2010 at 12:26 pm
I’m loving these comments today…as always, the thoughtfulness of you all gets me thinking even more. And Gale, thanks for coming clean…as my big sis, I always think your life is the picture of perfection. Glad to hear there’s a little vomit in there too.