Won’t You Be My Neighbor?
Posted by Elizabeth
I open my gunmetal mailbox and slide the thin envelope out, knowing immediately the contents of the letter. I’ve been holding my breath for this moment for months, but reading the words, which glare at me in stark black and white, still manage to rattle me.
During a routine compliance inspection, it was discovered that your lawn is dead. You have seven days to replace your lawn.
Maikael and I have long struggled to keep our lawn alive during these hot desert summers. Once a lush carpet of emerald, year by year we have slowly decimated the small patch of grass that curls around our front yard. It’s not for lack of trying. Each spring we fight a noble battle against the persistent fists of clover that insist on spreading their empire. Each summer we watch the green blades turn to sticks of papery straw, despite our efforts to provide enough water in this drought-plagued region. Each fall we promise we’ll do better next year.
But this year was different. With everything happening at once, the lawn took a backseat to the more pressing and important projects in our life. “You can’t do everything,” I insisted. “We all have to make choices.” But living in a neighborhood of perfectly coiffed lawns, thanks largely to the battalions of yard care services that troop in and out of our small community on a daily basis, I knew deep down our drooping lawn would draw unwanted attention.
I can’t help but feel stung by the letter, tangible proof that, after living in this house for six years, we don‘t know our neighbors and they don’t know us. The truth is that we only interact with our neighbors when a problem arises. I’d like to believe that anyone who knew our present circumstances – madly using our leisure hours to finish a do-it-yourself home remodel project in the waning weeks before our baby is due – would have exercised more compassion and empathy. I’d like to believe that our neighbors would come and talk to us, rather than hide behind the almighty powers of the homeowner’s association, if they were unhappy. But because we live in our cloisters, we are simply an anonymous sad lawn, not the people who live behind it.
This experience has prompted me to ask myself, what does it mean to be a good neighbor in today’s world? Growing up, my neighborhood was a sturdy web of connections. I was part of a ragtag band of children that marauded through our suburban streets, traipsing in and out of each other’s homes, stopping for snacks wherever we happened to be when hunger struck. When it was dinnertime, my parents would lean out the back door and ring a giant brass bell that could be heard anywhere in the neighborhood, a siren song that told me it was time to come home.
Our next-door neighbors were The Rants’, a lovely family of four who moved to the cool and rainy Pacific Northwest from the parched California desert. Jack was a minister and his wife Pam played the harp, a gold specimen that stood proudly in a corner of their living room, making an appearance each December at their Christmas open house. Their daughter, Melissa, was a year older than I, their son, Brian, a year younger. We fed each other’s pets and picked up one another’s mail during vacations. We ate dinner at each other’s homes every so often. Although our family wasn’t religious, we often attended Christmas and Easter services at their church. My dad helped Jack fell a tree in his backyard, and when Jack presided over my great-grandmother’s minuscule funeral, their family of four comprised half of the party. Even though we weren’t the best of friends, we were neighbors in the truest sense of the word: people, thrown together by circumstances, who looked out for one another.
Times have changed. I’m sure the neighborhoods of my youth are still out there – you might be lucky enough to live in one yourself – but I also recognize that our worlds, and therefore our relationships, aren’t what they used to be. I know I am not alone in saying that I live in a neighborhood where people work exceedingly long hours and spend their precious few off-hours indoors: a walk down my street on a balmy summer evening offers pure, eerie silence. In today’s break-neck world, with people barely able to maintain connections with their closest friends and family, how can we be expected to make time for our neighbors, those people who are only a part of our lives due to a random lottery of proximity?
But I don’t think we need to host one another to dinner parties to be good neighbors in today’s world. In fact, I would argue that it’s because of the permanence of our circumstances that we all try a little harder to make the most of these relationships that aren’t going away until the moving vans come. The neighborly bond is a unique one; even given modern constraints, it’s a relationship worth cultivating. In a time marked by increasing social isolation, our neighbors offer us an opportunity to connect face-to-face. We need not apply the same rules of neighborly love of yesteryear, but create new ones for a different world.
Here are a few ideas I’ve been considering:
- Learn the names of the neighbors you live in closest proximity to. Greet them by name, or simply wave and say “hello,” when you see them on the street.
- When someone new moves into the neighborhood, make a point to introduce yourself.
- Get to know your neighbors, even casually, before a problem arises. When problems do arise, it’s easier to handle the dilemma face-to-face rather than calling upon the authorities to resolve the matter. Stronger relationships are generally built through direct conflict resolution. Use “the powers that be” as a last resort.
- When you receive a piece of mail for a neighbor, take the opportunity to knock on their door and introduce yourself, rather than simply dropping the mail on the doorstep and running.
- If you see that someone is struggling and needs help, offer it.
- Consider starting an annual tradition that brings the neighborhood together. My friend, Nikki, used to deliver May Day baskets to her neighbors. In our neighborhood, houses place luminarias in their yard on Christmas Eve. These small gestures build community.
My grandfather’s small funeral last week was attended almost entirely by family, except for one small group of people: his neighbors.
What’s your neighborhood like? Have you ever been reported by your homeowner’s association? What other practical suggestions do you have for rewriting your relationship to your neighbors in these hectic modern times?
July 5th, 2010 at 5:38 am
Hmph. I’m indignant just reading about your little nastygram in the mail. That stinks. I think SEVEN days is also really harsh. How about 30? Not everyone has the spare cash to immediately re-sod their lawn.
When we moved to this suburb 10 years ago, not ONE person in the neighborhood made us feel welcome or tried to introduce themselves. I felt really isolated.
Five years ago, we moved to a new subdivision; we were one of the first families to move there, and I decided that I was going to make a deliberate effort to make newcomers feel welcome.
It paid off; we know just about everyone in a two block radius. Every summer, we team up with the neighbors on either side of us and have an ice cream social. It’s easy, fairly cheap, and the kids have fun playing at the end of the cul-de-sac.
I really like the ideas you throw out there. It IS sad not to know the people living so close to you.
July 5th, 2010 at 7:53 am
Thanks for your thoughtful comment, KitchenWitch. I, too, thought that seven days was too short of a time to replace a lawn, a costly and illogical endeavor during a time of year when temperatures routinely soar into the high 90s. Luckily, a call to the property management company yielded an extension, but also revealed that it was not a “routine inspection” but a neighbor’s complaint that prompted the letter. Hmph, indeed.
I admire your proactive stance, which obviously generated big results in your neighborhood. I think it does take, as you say, “deliberate effort,” to create community. I LOVE your idea for an ice cream social!
July 5th, 2010 at 8:22 am
I am lucky enough to have one of the neighborhoods where every one knows each other and looks out for each other. But even as I count my blessings, I know that this type of community is a dying breed. There are a few of the newer folk in the neighborhood that haven’t embraced the open and friendly atmosphere. And some of those who tried the hardest to cultivate it have moved away. Thanks in part to your post, I will make more of an effort to save the neighborliness of my neighborhood.
July 5th, 2010 at 12:08 pm
When we arrived at our new address – 20 years ago – we invited our block to come to our home and meet one another under the auspices of a ‘block watch” party. There was no food or drink, but we asked the local police (my husband) to help identify safety methods we could use to protect our homes and their occupants. We offered our beat-up truck to those who needed to haul garbage to the dump (to prevent an active arsonist from utilizing the debris). We used a notebook and passed it around the room of 25 or more, to collect each other’s names and phone numbers. We copied these out and passed them around the room. From then on we knew where our kids were playing, could call one another for help, or simply to check and see if a senior citizen needed anything from the store. It’s probably time for us to do this again, after so many changes…
July 5th, 2010 at 3:16 pm
2 things that automatically increase your neighborliness: a kid or a dog. Preferably both together. Walking my dog everyday has helped me meet most of my neighbors – having a baby in a stroller only increased the odds that a neighbor would stop and chat. Baby/Dog = easy conversation starters! Getting out and walking the neighborhood is a great way to meet others – especially the ones that have other dogs, kids, or just like to be outside too.
I feel that I know a comfortable amount of my neighbors, and the important ones that run the HOA. I’ve lived here 7 years, and have met most people through walking my dog, or playing with my son at the community pool. Sometimes a quick walk around the block turns into an hour and a half because i stop and chat so much! Some days (unshowered, sweaty) I just hope I don’t see anyone I know – then of course everyone is outside!
Still, I’ve noticed that a lot of people like to keep to themselves. I myself have been guilty of the misdirected mail drop-and-run. When I worked, some days I just wanted to get home and relax and not try to put my best face forward in a small-talk conversation. Sometimes the walk to the end of the driveway seems too long – a wave and a shout is easier. Opening yourself up to a friendship with someone who lives just 2 houses away is a little risky – what if they come over all the time and are just plain annoying?? There is something to be said for the emotional distance that comes with physical proximity! It’s so much easier to become best friends with an anonymous seatmate on an airplane than with your next-door neighbor!!
All in all – getting out and walking the block is just the best way to get to know your neighborhood. Sometimes I bring a garbage bag to clean up while I’m at it!
July 5th, 2010 at 10:25 pm
All good ideas and something I wish everyone would consider. We also used to bake and deliver cookies to new neighbors.
At the moment I can’t see any of our neighbors (which is pure bliss), but we have met nearly everyone on our road thanks to relocating within a small community and, like Ann, being out on the road with my dog so darn often. Yep, Jack caught me out in my PJs this a.m.
July 6th, 2010 at 7:27 am
I think this post identifies some important aspects of modern-day life. It is so easy to exist in a vacuum without any contact amongst neighbors. I agree with Ann that dogs and kids improve the odds at neighborly relationships.
Interestingly, my block is a mixed bag. I know my neighbors to either side of us, two that are diagonal, and one family that is two doors down. But the two houses directly across the street are mysteries. One couple is civil on the rare occasion that I see them. The others I couldn’t pick out of a lineup if I had to. It made me sad too, when they were robbed about a month ago and I didn’t even know them well enough to offer my apologies or concern.
The rest of us have a pretty congenial relationship. We let each other know if we’re going to be out of town. We pick up packages on each others’ door steps. And so on. No block parties or pot-lucks. But we chit chat in the street and keep an eye on things. And that suits me just fine.
PS – So sorry about your snitty neighbors. I hope things get smoothed out.
July 7th, 2010 at 7:56 am
Thanks, everyone, for your great thoughts and ideas regarding how to be a good neighbor!
July 9th, 2010 at 4:42 pm
great post. surely on a lot of our minds. it is our responsibility to make neighbourhoods more neighbourly!! A little goes a long way.