Good Enough
Posted by Elizabeth
“Perhaps we feel so inadequate as parents not because of what we don’t know but because parenthood shows us the limits of what can be known.” ~ Karen Maezen Miller, “Hand Wash Cold: Care Instructions for an Ordinary Life”
I stand gaping slack-jawed at the tower of books heaped on my bedside table, which stare menacingly back at me. I’ve spent months reading and rereading my well-worn copy of What to Expect When You’re Expecting, trying my best to absorb all I need to know. I raced through Birthing from Within and slowly worked my way through Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth. But The Happiest Baby on the Block still languishes in the pile, along with many others, mocking me every time I flip through the ever-growing stack. I managed to convince myself that once the reading was done I could sit back, relax, and enjoy these waning days of pregnancy. Instead, new books – books that presage what’s to come – have taken up permanent residence on the pile. What to Expect the First Year slumps heavy at the top, The Vaccine Book taunts me from below, and it finally dawns on me that this parade of expert opinions is never-ending.
Each time I pick up a parenting book these days, I quickly shut it with a sigh. I am researched out, ready to live the experience rather than read about living the experience. The only book I can’t put down is Karen Maezen Miller’s Hand Wash Cold: Care Instructions for an Ordinary Life, the solitary one that offers no easy answers. I am particularly taken by her chapter on parenthood, because the lessons it offers – often ripe with paradox – are universal ones as we face the doubts and uncertainties of living a life in pencil:
I’m still hard at work on what doesn’t need any work.
Nothing compares to being a parent. And yet, all we do is compare.
When we judge ourselves as inadequate parents, we judge our children as the inadequate result.
There is no right way to parent; there is only a right-now way.
Freedom is instantaneous the moment we accept the way things are.
We hurt ourselves, too, every time we fix on one way as the right way.
When we focus on what is in front of us, what is truly facing us in a situation, we know what to do and not to do.
Do we ever notice, and trust, the wonder of life happening continually and miraculously by itself? Do we ever see how effortless life is?
Regardless of the life change we’re facing – whether it be a new baby, new career, or simply a new way of being – I think we all reach a point in the process where we’ve taken in as much expert opinion as we can. Then, we must tune into our intuitive voice which, combined with that book knowledge, will help guide our next steps. But so often we continue to cling to the books, digging insistently deeper, searching for absolute truths where there are none. We forget to listen to the voice that whispers quietly, but persistently, from the dark. Information is good, but our over-reliance on information can undermine our inner knowing. Miller suggests that parenthood is not the impossible task that we’ve made it out to be, and I would argue the same for personhood. All too often we use information as a talisman against doubt and uncertainty, but the truth is we already have everything we need to be good parents, just as we have everything we need to lead a good life. No expert can instruct us otherwise.
For the next five weeks I am packing up the books and the professional opinions in an effort to coax my cowering voice out of the dark. Right now, I’ll tell myself, what I’ve learned thus far is enough.
How much do you rely on expert opinion and book knowledge to help you navigate uncertain situations? Do you have a hard time listening to that often-elusive inner voice?
July 26th, 2010 at 5:33 am
I am ashamed to admit that I’ve read just about every book in your stack. And yes…they all gave conflicting advice and I ended up feeling more lost than ever. Good for you for packing them up and clearing your mind. All of those different voices just muddy your waters.
July 26th, 2010 at 6:59 am
I’m so so so so guilty of this. I come from a long tradition of folks who head straight to Borders or the library whenever life throws something new at us. And while I value this, I also sometimes tire myself out, and have to remind myself that nothing will happen without my own action.
July 26th, 2010 at 7:34 am
I think you can take the best of both worlds – listen to your inner voice to determine which of the experts you agree with. With something as well-studied as child development, that I know NOTHING about, I wouldn’t want to wing it. I’m already reading child development books to prepare for as yet unplanned kids!
July 26th, 2010 at 7:50 am
Elizabeth, I have some good news for you. Once the baby arrives you won’t have time to compare several authors’ perspectives on Conundrum X. You will find your voice because you will have to make a decision RIGHT NOW and consulting the experts on every little issue won’t be an option. I’m confident you’ll find your way. And one thing you’ll have that no author has is knowledge of your own kid. So even if half a dozen books say to swaddle and your daughter hates it, you’ll know better.
I followed one book throughout my pregnancy (not one in your stack, actually), and read “What to Expect the First Year” until IEP turned one. Since then I haven’t opened a parenting book and we’re getting along just fine. You’ll hit your stride and realize that you know what you’re doing even when you have no idea what you’re doing.
July 26th, 2010 at 7:57 am
No shame, KitchenWitch! Just learning and rewriting, right?
Gale, smart idea to read about the first year a year before, and then to shut the book. My hope is not to turn to a parenting book for awhile. I can safely say that my parents didn’t read parenting books…and I think I turned out alright!
Anne B., I agree that it’s a balance between the two. There is also some personality preference involved: some of us are more comfortable making decisions from the gut, while others of us rely more on information. But both play a part to some degree.
July 26th, 2010 at 12:47 pm
Yes. Yes, yes, yes. There is a time to set aside the books and trust yourself. Trust your instincts and your deep inner knowledge and your ability to handle things as they come. This post practically sings to me in its wisdom.
July 26th, 2010 at 5:28 pm
yes, yes yes.
“All too often we use information as a talisman against doubt and uncertainty” – this takes my breath away with its essential truth.
In a weird reverse of normal behavior, I rejected almost all parenting books. I just hated them. Maybe I was too insecure a parent or something, but I just rebelled at the incredibly prescriptive and specific language.
On the other hand, I love Karen’s book, and think it is a marvelous guide to both parenthood and, as you say, personhood.
That’s one lucky baby.
xo
July 27th, 2010 at 3:11 pm
I just accepted Anne’s friend request on Facebook and saw this post on her wall. Fun! And as a fairly new parent (our son is nearly 16 months old), I totally agree. Read http://www.gladwell.com/blink/blink_excerpt1.html for a short but interesting perspective.
July 27th, 2010 at 3:34 pm
Your stunning observation of using information as a talisman against doubt and uncertainty really speaks to me as my sisters and I begin to navigate the waters of becoming my elderly mother’s parent. Though some of the information is helpful, I am beginning to realize that the real answers for US lie in our hearts.
Keep writing, dear Elizabeth…. and yes, you turned out fabulously!