Posted by Anne

“Nothing happens, and nothing happens, and then everything happens.”

In 2004, a very good friend sent me a card with the quote above printed in yellow letters on its burgundy front.  We were 24, and our lives had been routines, schedules, and coursework for the previous several years.  Nothing happens and nothing happens. We were ready for an adventure—so we jumped on a plane together, and traveled for 6 blissful weeks oversees—the epitome of 20-something adventure.  And all of a sudden, we made life much more exciting.

And then everything happens. I adore this quote.  It reminds me that life can change on a dime, throwing adventure and excitement into an otherwise static existence.  I need to believe this, because lately I feel as though I’m trapped in the nothing happens and nothing happens phase of life.  When people ask me how I’m doing these days, I always respond the same, with a touch of disappointment in my voice:  “Status quo.”  In other words, nothing happens.

But I wonder—what’s so wrong with status quo?  Isn’t this what I’ve wanted for so long?  Well yes…but only if I’m satisfied with all the elements of my life that remain the same.  And right now, I’m a little antsy.  Not unhappy.  Antsy.   There are some pieces to my life that I want to see develop in new directions—personal things, professional things, creative things.

I was talking to my sister yesterday, taking her on an intimate tour of the inner-workings of my existentially tangled brain, and she said, “I can’t believe you feel like nothing is going on.  A lot is going on.  You’re so close.”  And she’s right.  I feel at the cusp of something.  I just don’t know what.

And it struck me.  Things rarely “just happen”.  I make them happen.  When I was 24, I made that trip happen.  I have some—though not all—control over the moment when everything happens. But where do I start?  I can…

-Talk to people who understand my vision.

-Get feedback from others.

-Dare to join a new organization, take a new class, or meet a new person.

-Reach out.

-Tell people what I want.

Yes, ultimately, it’s my job to make sure everything happens. To start unraveling my tangled aspirations, and put them into action.

Have you ever felt like your life was “status quo”?  Is that a good thing or a bad thing to you?  How have you changed an otherwise static period of your life?

Posted by Anne

When it comes to life, I don’t so much care for ambiguity. But ambiguity in someone else’s life?  Not as problematic for me.  Make that person fictional, and I’m totally entertained. 

Yes, when it comes to movies, I can roll with ambiguity.  I love multiple scenarios.  I love maniacally rushing to my computer to analyze a thousand and one theories on what a film could mean.  And I’m not talking about movies where the ambiguity is so over-the-top that it serves no artistic or cinematic function.  Eyes Wide Shut anyone? Vanilla Sky?  I didn’t think so. Those films are just annoying.  But when it works, the ambiguity of a film’s meaning totally enriches the experience. 

Take, for example, Inception.  Like many Americans, I’ve seen it.  Don’t worry—no “spoiler alerts” necessary—I won’t give away the ending.  But I can say it takes a very life in pencil spirit to avoid groaning at the ambiguity of the conclusion.  And I totally dug it.  Did I research a hundred different explanations?  Yep.  Did I talk about it incessantly for 24 hours?  You bet.  Do I wish I knew exactly what happened?  Nope.  If only I could harness that attitude about my very own ambiguous life…

Other ambiguous cinematic gems that left me saying, “Huh?”  In a good way.

-Donnie Darko
-The Usual Suspects

Posted by Anne

What makes a relationship tick?  The recipe for romantic bliss is one of our country’s favorite topics, and it doesn’t take a PhD to agree on some basic elements like respect, emotional intimacy, and love.  But what else?  How do you infuse spice and energy into even the most comfortable of relationships?  Says one relationship theory…adrenaline. 

The theory—backed-up by research—is pretty simple:  say you’re in an adrenaline-spiking situation with a loved one.  The arousal we experience from that burst of adrenaline spills over, and we attribute some of that arousal to the person we’re with.  Thus, in the right circumstance, adrenaline begets romantic passion.  

This rickety bridge is as close as I get to an adrenaline rush...courtesy of trip to Chile last year.

The first time I read this particular theory, I panicked. You see, I’m not a fan of adrenaline.  I’m sure it’s very useful and all in life-threatening situations.  But on an everyday basis, I don’t go seeking ways to be in touch with said adrenaline.  Does this mean my marriage is doomed?  I don’t think so. 

In my view, the intimacy gained from a shared experience need not be risky.  Every time my husband and I approach a new experience, the outcome is unknown to us.  Life in Pencil is often required.  So even though our adventures aren’t particularly high-risk, they are still adventures.  We…

-Travel
-Hike
-Fish
-Camp
-Eat in funky small-town restaurants

And in recalling these experiences, I feel happy, tingly, and closer to my husband than ever. 

So if sky-diving, bungee-jumping, and rock climbing are your things, go for it.  My recipe for relationship bliss?  Simply sharing experiences for which I can’t predict an outcome.  Bonding through the shared experience of low-risk adventure. 

Do you bond with your significant other through experiences, or more routine pastimes?  Are you a fan of feeling that adrenaline rush, and if so, does it make you feel more amorous than usual?

Posted by Anne

Have you ever found yourself in a rut?  Personal or professional, we all experience phases when we feel stagnant, stuck, or just unable to break out of habits we wish we could leave behind.  We want to lose weight but can’t seem to kick those unhealthy snacking cycles.  We want to be more creative at work, but our job duties don’t leave room for new roles.  External forces recapitulate our ruts.  And so we need revision. 

At Life in Pencil, we often speak of “rewriting our plans”, or even rewriting aspects of our life.   But sometimes, it’s not as simple as wanting to change a part of your life.  Internal motivation is powerful, but if you’re anything like me, inertia puts up a good fight.     

During her recent visit, my Mom and I were talking about change—and how to bust out of unhealthy—or mundane—ruts.  And she (usually one to quote someone like Wendell Berry) instead quoted someone more my speed…Dr. Oz.  (Yeah, I kinda like that guy.)  According to Dr. Oz, you can’t just depend on your own willpower or motivation if you want to change.  You have to rearrange your external surroundings—your entire routine.  Thus, you avoid all those cues around you that affirm your inertia, and leave you solidly planted in that rut—whatever it may be. 

Oh, Dr. Oz.  You smartie-pants.  I think he’s right.  Sometimes we need that change of scenery or routine to truly alter our actions and jump-start us out of a bad habit.  When we change on the outside, we can often find within ourselves what we’ve been missing on the inside.   

This all hits close to home for me, as I’ve been entering my own annual rut of sorts.  I have a name for this rut.  It’s called “summer”.  As much as I adore the lazy days and weekend indulgence of the season, I struggle during the week.  I feel sluggish and often find it difficult to stay motivated throughout the 8 to 5 schedule.  So this year, I tried something new.  I decided to ask for a change in my external circumstances.  I asked to work 4 (10-hour) days a week.  Knowing I have that extra day makes me savor my weekends all the more, and gives me a jolt of something to look forward to during the week.  I still have sluggish moments, but the grooves of my rut aren’t quite as deep these days.

So the next time you feel that old ennui or those nasty habits creeping in, ask how you can shake up your external routines and surroundings.  Try changing…

-Your after-work routine (go for a walk)

-Your morning routine (drink your coffee outside, instead of at the computer)

-Your closet (clean out the junk, so you can see the gems!)

-Your….(fill in the blank)

Have you ever kicked a bad habit, or pulled yourself out of a rut?  Did you do it on sheer willpower, or did you change your surroundings?

Posted by Anne

Is there any season that lends itself to Life in Pencil as well as summertime?  Methinks not.  The long days, brilliant sunshine, and lazy spirit of the season seem ripe for Life in Pencil moments.  For example…

Lazy rivers, and resting on the bank:

Al Fresco, all the time:

Incredible ingredients make for minimal culinary planning:

And tiny tastings to wash it all down:

Camping trips with lazy puppies:

Sitting on the back patio with not-so-lazy hydrangeas:

And on vacation…one very slow sunset that made me forget anything and everything on my schedule. 

Happy Friday, all.  And Happy Summer.

What images would appear in your summer photo album?

Posted by Anne

It’s hiring season.  After months of hiring freezes, furloughs, and layoffs, the University is starting to see some light at the end of the budget-cut tunnel.  Since the spring, my department is finally in the rare position of filling positions to augment our grossly understaffed little office.  What does this mean for me?  I’m listening to a lot of interviews these days.  You know the drill…

What’s a strength of yours that would bring to this position?
Tell us about a time when you experienced a conflict with a co-worker.

And so on. 

Since part of my job involves teaching people how to answer these questions in a savvy manner, I’m keenly aware of the “correct” answers. But throughout this rash of recent interviews, I’ve been surprised by how thoroughly I’ve enjoyed the responses that are less savvy and more honest. 

Take, for example, that age-old interview question:  What are your long-term professional goals? 

Funny that I should ask this question so frequently, when I write a BLOG devoted to the fact that we can’t really know what our life holds for us.  And yet there I am, asking this future-oriented question, and eagerly awaiting an answer that gracefully incorporates commitment and flexibility, openness and directedness.  And in several recent interviews, I’ve gotten some variation on the following response:

I really don’t know. 

This is not a text-book answer.  It’s not even a wise answer.  But it’s damn honest.  And when that person goes on to explain how their professional goals evolve—how they only know small snippets of their goals and are still allowing the rest to fall into place—not only do I respect them, I envy them. 

There I am, the potential employer—the one with the stable job and career.  The one the interviewee is trying to impress.  I’m the partial key to that person’s own job security, and what I admire most is their acceptance of our innately ambiguous futures. 

If you’re interviewing for a job right now, answer “I don’t know” only at your own risk.  Not all employers are career counselors who write self-help blogs.  But if you can infuse honesty and self-reflection while marketing yourself?  Do it.  You’ll not only become employed, you’ll be understood. 

If someone asked you about your long-term professional goals, would you have a solid answer?  SHOULD we have a solid answer?

Posted by Anne

Hint: This isn't it. As much as I'd like to believe this is the key to energy...

Imagine, if you will, that someone has offered you an opportunity.  Maybe it’s a professional opportunity, or perhaps it’s associated with a volunteer organization, your church, or even just a social opportunity.  You listen (or read an e-mail), and mentally you understand that you should be interested in this opportunity. 

And yet…your stomach plunges.  Your lips purse.  You immediately feel drained of energy.

I experienced this little scenario only a week ago.  A goal of mine has been to teach more, but I have to admit—I’m picky about what I hope to teach.  Last week, a teaching opportunity came through my email inbox, and I knew I should be flattered and thrilled, ready to take on this new challenge.  But my reaction was everything I mention above.   

There were immediate and involuntary physical reactions that told me this wasn’t where my heart was.  And yet…I continued to have a conversation with myself…

It’ll be a good experience.

Yeah, but why am I not more excited?

Well, you want more teaching experience, and here you go!

But this isn’t the kind of class I want to teach.  It’ll stress me out and take my focus away from some other professional goals that feel more pressing right now.

Beggars can’t be choosers…just go for it, and it might lead to better opportunities. 

But as my life stands right now, I’m not a beggar…I can construct the experiences I want.

True, but how often will those experiences come around? And what if this department doesn’t offer you any other opportunities because you turned this one down?   

I can live with that.  I’m willing to take the chance.

As you might have deduced, I decided to turn down the class.  Because these days, I feel that Life in Pencil is about following the opportunities that bring energy instead of lethargy. I’m not sure where it will lead me, but I’m going where my energy takes me.  It’s a new approach—as I’m the ultimate planner.  But somehow, it feels good.  And energizing.  So if you’ve ever encountered a situation like mine, ask yourself… 

1. What’s my immediate physical and emotional response to this opportunity?

2. What would my immediate physical and emotional response be if I turned it down?  If I accepted it?

3. If this doesn’t bring me energy, what does?  And am I doing it already?

Have you ever encountered a situation like this?  When you were offered a great opportunity but just couldn’t summon the energy?    

Posted by Anne

You’ve all seen the picture.  It was V-J Day in 1945, and one very exuberant sailor planted a kiss on one very cute nurse.  It’s probably one of the most well known photographs of WWII, captured in our collective memory (and college dorm rooms).  Clearly, I was not around for this moment in history, yet the photo never fails to evoke…something.  Joy?  Nostalgia?  Patriotism?  Yes, yes, and yes.  And also the beauty of spontaneity.  I view it as a definitively Life in Pencil moment–totally unpremeditated, totally sincere. 

The New York Times recently published this article about that iconic kiss, reporting that the woman who claimed to be the nurse had died at age 91.  I have to wonder–was her life full of these kinds of moments?  Probably not.  But it doesn’t really matter.  Because that one little Life in Pencil moment–captured for eternity–defined a larger moment in our national history.

Do something spontaneous this weekend. 

Have you ever done something really spontaneous that ended up defining your life in an important way?  What does that famous photo evoke for you?  What wild and spontaneous shenanigans will you pursue this weekend?:)

Posted by Anne

I believe that sometimes—to live a fulfilled life—some planning is necessary.  Take, for example, your family relationships.  If your extended family is anything like mine, individuals are scattered across the country…perhaps even different continents.  While my nuclear family is small and contained, my extended family has always been another story.  Both sides of my family live from one coast to the other, making a Life in Pencil spontaneous family gathering unlikely at best.  And yet, this never stopped my parents.  Come hell, high water, or gridlock traffic on I-40, my sister and I were going to know our family—all of it—no matter how obscure the relationships.

Throughout my childhood, adolescence, and college years, we connected with our family.  We attended weddings and reunions from Kentucky to New Mexico to Berkeley to San Diego to Nebraska.  We detoured from our intimate family vacations to spend the night with cousins in Colorado.  We ate homemade pie in the dining room of my great aunt’s pillared home in rural Tennessee with no air conditioning—in the height of summer.  Why?  Because how else would I know and appreciate my cousins—my family—once I reached adulthood?  My parents wanted to foster these relationships. They knew they had to make it work.    

As an adult, I have a much greater understanding of the effort this took.  My parents planned, communicated with distant relatives, and racked up miles upon miles of highway time.  It was often a grind, and I’d venture a guess that those trips felt very UN- Life in Pencil.  But the result has been more meaningful than I could have imagined, and has created a sort of delayed Life in Pencil gratification.  Here’s what it accomplished: 

To this day, I will erase and rewrite my schedule, reroute my flights, arise at ungodly hours, and take unplanned vacation days if it means an opportunity to connect with family.  Recently, when my dear aunt asked if she could come for an impromptu visit to the Northwest this summer, I didn’t hesitate.  Somehow, when it comes to family, I rise the Life in Pencil occasion. 

And as a result, I not only have family connections all over this country, I have friends.  A week ago, I left for a conference in San Francisco.  A metro ride, a shuttle, and a rental car later, I was spending the 4^th of July with a nearby cousin and his beautiful family.  This was a relationship forged through effort and inconvenience, and it’s become incredibly important to me.   

When I have my own children someday, I hope I’ll share my own family with the family I love, no matter how I have to rewrite my plans. 

Are you willing to erase your plans for family?  Friends?  Did your parents drag you all over the country as a kid?  And do you do the same with yours?

Don’t forget to e-mail us your Life in Pencil “moment of the week” by Thursday!

Posted by Anne

Sex and the City 2 is lush, over-the-top, and fairly ridiculous.  And I thoroughly enjoyed it.  Mostly because nestled amidst the absurdity are some really lovely scenes.  My favorite:  Miranda and Charlotte sit side-by-side at their hotel suite bar, sipping cocktails in unbelievably posh travel-wear, as is their custom.  They are two smart, fashionable, capable women.  They are also two mothers.  Charlotte, a character who longed for a family for 6 seasons of the television show, is simply overwhelmed by life with a fussy infant and an energetic toddler, but won’t admit it.  No, she wanted children for too long.  She shouldn’t complain.  Cajoled by Miranda and bolstered by alcohol, she comes clean, and fesses up.  It’s hard.  She’s tired.  She loves her family more than anything, but she’s flat worn out.  It’s relieving to her to let it out, and it’s relieving to us as viewers.  Nobody needs to be alone in this.  But her reluctance to air the truth makes me wonder…

Why is it that we, as women, have such trouble admitting to each other that life is occasionally short of perfect?  Why can’t we simply fess up?  We’d probably all feel more validated and more normal if we had these real conversations, instead of peppering our dialogue with only the socially acceptable grievances.  What would it look like if we were honest?

Honest Friend #1:  “How are you doing this week?”

Honest Friend #2:  “Oh, you know.  Basically really good.  But I’m feeling down this morning because husband and I had argument over something really stupid.  And I can’t find a sitter for Friday, and I need to get out of the house more.” 

What’s wrong with that?  Sure, if we had this conversation with everyone we met in the course of a day, we’d become annoying.  There are social graces we adopt in this world, and I happen to be a fairly big fan of social graces.  Not to mention we’d actually probably feel even worse if we solely reported on our struggles.  But when we’re amongst valued friends?  It can be a relief to tell it like it is.  But before we can make that leap, here’s what we must be willing to do…

Admit when the life of our dreams looks a little different than we envisioned. 

Rewriting your expectations of the perfect marriage and the perfect family is one difficult psychological task.  But what’s the upside?  What’s the advantage of sharing the reality with our fellow wo-man?  Support, validation, and authenticity.  Marriage takes work.  Kids are tiring.  Babies cry.  These are not failures, simply facts.  As women, we’d do well to fess up—and if we promise not to judge one another, I believe we’d all benefit from a boost in authenticity. 

Do you feel like you can be “real” with your friends?  Or do you ever feel guilty admitting when life is harder than you envisioned?